Chick With a D… Wait, What?!
I know, I’m a transwoman, and that implies if I haven’t had surgery, I have a penis, no? Well, no. For many reasons, one being the fact that I don’t! Stop assuming what kind of body I have, stop assuming you know what it means to have a body like mine, and stop attaching all of your fucked up meaning to it. I will spend some time talking about my genitals and genitals in general, because it seems to be the focus of so much attention, and it seems to mean so much to everyone else. It trumps everything else. If no one knew I was trans, I’d never have to deal with this. I’d be treated like every other woman in the US. But alas, I do not wish to hide and I am proud to be a transwoman, so at times people find out that I am trans, although being stealth is definitely tempting.
It’s a common misconception that all trans people hate their genitals, and that they want to go at them with a knife to change them into something different. Well guess again. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Some of us are ashamed of our genitals because of all the meaning people attach to them, and because of the exclusion and hatred we experience because of them, and many of us, including me, would like to be found beautiful, womanly, lovable, attractive, and sexy, and not just the parts you can see, but all of us, every last inch.
Another common misconception is that people only have either a penis, or a clitoris and a vagina. Also not true. Now for those of you who didn’t know, I was born with an intersex condition. This has it’s own implications. When people hear this they expect me to have some strange ambiguous body, one with “both” or some crazy mutation of in betweenness. Well, this isn’t always true either. Not every intersex person has ambiguous genitalia, in fact many do not. Some of us never had a very visible condition to begin with, and some of us (me) have had normalizing surgery, that made our genitals look more or less “normal.”
This is a disappointment to some, and cause for some to say we’re not intersex, or not intersex enough to be fetishized by them I should say.
Well, anyway, now that you know not everyone is born with EITHER a penis or a clitoris and vagina, and now that you know I do not in fact have a penis, what more do you want to know? Would you like to know exactly what my genitals look like? Would you like me to post pictures? Would you like to ask my partner and I about how we have sex? You’ll probably go google some pictures now, but to be honest, I did the same thing several years ago when I found out about my intersex condition. It’s what we do. We think of these things as “othered” as foreign, and strange. I couldn’t believe it when I first found out. It made my entire world change. I saw things a different way from that day on. I stopped trying to be attracted to one type of person, with one type of body, and I stopped trying to live up to this ridiculous binary we all think is real. But unfortunately, I am not perfect, and the pressure to live within a binary facade and be “normal” is at times more than I realize, and I find even myself doing things the way I was taught they were supposed to be done.
Well, if you’re not confused enough already here’s something else for you to contemplate. What if you saw my genitals, and they were something you saw as typically male, or typically female either because that’s what I was born with, or because that’s what surgery had done to me. Now you label my genitals right? You say, “Oh you have a penis” But then I say, “No, actually I don’t call it that, I call that my clitoris, and this here, that’s my pussy.” Well, now you’re probably thinking, “Just because you call it that, doesn’t make it true, I know what I see.”
But how do you define a penis, and a clitoris? Where does one stop and the other begin. How big does a clit need to be before it’s called a dick? How little does a penis need to be before it’s called a clit?
But, the absence of a vagina, well that’s pretty clear cut though right? Well, some of us are again forced to have unnecessary and harmful surgery as children by parents and doctors to close openings that might be considered shallow vaginas, or that may have vaginal tissue, and even though the tissue is fully functional genital tissue, and is sensitive and a potential source of fun for us and maybe someone else, it doesn’t “really serve any purpose,” does it? The only reason we have genitals is for reproduction anyway, no? So we have our genitals cut, and sculpted, we have things amputated, and other things sewn shut. We have the most creative surgeons come up with volumes of books full of new techniques to correct this type of genital abnormality, or that type of genital anomaly.
If my genitals mean to you that I am not what I say I am, intersex, woman, beautiful, lovable, attractive, sexy, you can turn around, and walk the other way. If you decide to take it upon yourself to say something to me, or to anyone else about how much you think my genitals define me, you should really rethink your world view.
Is that enough information for you, would you like to know exactly what I have? I have a lit and a pussy. I do not intend to have any more surgery on them. I’ve already had too much. I love my genitals, and although you want to shame me for them, I will not be ashamed of them.
I carry my scars proudly. They remind me of the pain and assault I have survived. They remind me of how strong a person I am. They remind me, regardless of what my body looks like, I define what that means and I define my existence. Doctors have taken it upon themselves to be invasive, and one practically fondled me out of curiosity over what he saw between my legs. don’t try and refute that and tell me some close minded, binary bullshit about how my biology matters and makes me who I am. The binary doesn’t exist. Cis people made is up to oppress others and to erase intersex people.
My scars are part of me, and so are my beautiful, sexy, hot, genitals. You should be so lucky to even hear about them, much less see them or touch them. I love them. They will never be cut again. Never again.
Abortion fund in GA!
Hi! I’m the co-founder of a new abortion fund in Georgia, the Georgia Reproductive Justice Access Network (GRJAN). We serve low-income folks in the 10-county northeast GA health district who are traveling to Feminist Women’s Health Center for their abortions. In addition to funding, we also provide practical support (transportation, lodging, clinic escort, etc.). Would you please consider adding us to the list of funds you’ve compiled? Here’s a link to our profile on the NNAF site: http://www.fundabortionnow.org/funds/georgia-reproductive-justice-access-network-grjan. Thanks!
Bébinn: Yes! Thanks for the update, and thank you so much for all that you’re doing.
Again, followers, please consider donating to this awesome fund, or one in your area.
My first orgasm
I think I’ve always been very misguided about my own body, and I never really knew what to do or expect. The first time I came I was 13, but I really feel like I never truly orgasmed until I was about 20. I was in the shower, had recently read about how thrilling orgasms are/can be, and I thought to myself ‘well when I cum I don’t feel like that.’
It was mindblowing, I couldn’t stand under my own power, and I moaned, which I rarely if ever do. Suddenly it felt like every other time I’d ever cum was merely a waste of time in comparison to this feeling throughout the body, as if I was being released, while simultaneously lifted.
I rarely feel that; it is like once a month at the most, once my girlfriend got me there and I let go so much and felt so wonderful that I peed a little. My goal is to increase it greatly, but so far, unfortunately, this has basically been impossible.
I also feel that as a man, really as a person, there really isn’t much to expect while learning about your body; you have to explore. I also feel that as a man, men do not know enough about sex to orgasm, I know I don’t; cumming is VERY distinct from orgasming, and yet I feel like I only know how to cum.
First Orgasm
It took four years of failed masturbating for me to finally reach my first climax. I don’t remember the details but I was 16 when it happened. It was fabulous. I wanted to high-five someone and tell them what I’d learn how to do but I figured that wouldn’t be very socially acceptable.
First Orgasm
My first orgasm was with a bullet vibrator I’d had for a little while. It was about 4am in the morning, and I recall it just felt really awesome ‘cause I was able to let go and it felt fantastic.
But afterwards, presumably due to the loss of tension or something, I just started hysterically giggling. I laughed so hard I cried, but that kinda felt good. I was just a little scared I’d wake everyone in the house up!
I also worried a bit that this was going to be a regular occurrence, and would be an embarrassing problem when I eventually have sex with a partner, but it hasn’t happened since, so I guess I remain hopeful.
first orgasm…
i think i was around 11. i don’t even remember what i was doing, probably thinking about boobs or something like that, but all of a sudden i got pretty horny and i was like WHAT IS THIS FEELING because no one had ever told me about sexual arousal or anything, just “where babies come from”. i discovered that it felt pretty good rubbing my clit and yeah that was the first time i ever masturbated even though i had no idea what the hell i was doing…
i got my first period when i was 12. for a while i’d had some discharge so i thought what i felt was just that, but when i got home and went to the bathroom i discovered that my underwear was soaked with blood. i started crying because it shocked me so much. then i called my mom to ask her where the pads were.
First Orgasm
I was kind of a late bloomer, I didn’t have one until I went to college, left the toxic anti-sex environment of my hometown, fell in with a bunch of wonderful feminists, and started reading sex-positive books. It was eye-opening to realize I had an organ the size of a pea with twice as many nerve endings as a penis.
My partner really wanted to give me an orgasm, but I was never able to let go enough in the moment to have one - I would start feeling scared and insecure and make him stop.
The first time I had one, we were having sex and I was feeling very very good, when he suddenly realized he was late for class and left at a run, leaving me hanging… so I started feeling around with my fingers… and figuring out what felt good… and I gave myself what I would now call a mini-orgasm, but it was pretty groundbreaking at the time!
I was so happy that I had finally figured out how to do that… it took another few months of experimentation with my partner to be able to orgasm with him, but I don’t think I would have been able to do it if I hadn’t learned how to do it myself first.
First period!
My first period happened in the month of August right before my 13th birthday. I was on holiday visiting family and I remember one night going to the toilet (after spending the day running around with my cousins and eating too much ice-cream) and as I peered down I noticed a brown stain on my underwear. I had made it my mission to learn everything possible about puberty and well, I was pretty ecstatic about getting my period! I tried to stop myself from grinning and went to tell my mum and sound a bit surprised, her reaction was, “oh you’ve started your period, here’s a pad”.
The next day I told my cousin and felt like such a grown up. Then I made the mistake of wearing white shorts (AWKWARD) and I spent the day after that crying coz I couldn’t go to the swimming pool. The honeymoon phase quickly ended after that, but that moment when I peered down and saw that brown stain is still an awesome memory.
My first period happened when I was 13.
I woke up with awful vertigo and was allowed to stay home as I could hardly walk without falling over. Later that day did I notice it had started. However, the vertigo lasted three days. I went to the hospital to get blood work done but they could tell me nothing. After a very seas-sick couple of days it passed and never happened again.
