If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my ask site: http://fyseq.tumblr.com/ask, though check out http://fuckyeahsexeducation.tumblr.com/FAQ!
Conversation Topic of the day (kind of)
I was reading a book about gender and it mentioned about how teens (especially girls) who mature faster tend to be more sexualized. I know I’ve seen this, where girls with bigger breasts or hips are more sexualized, and men with more muscle definitions are sexualized. You can also see how this contributes to the sexualization and portrayal of certain races. Latina and Black girls are two of the most sexualized races, and they are usually portrayed in media as having larger breasts, hips, and fuller lips. The book talked about how when we see teens who are more physically developed we assume they’re more mentally developed. You hear this used a lot in rape and sexual harassment cases.
In what other ways does this stereotype affect us? One thing I can think of is in portrayals (especially comics) of different orientations.We know that bisexual people and other multisexual people are sterotyped as being more sexually promiscuous and upon reflection a lot of bisexual people are portrayed as being more voluptuous or muscular. Also I’ve seen quite a few comics of asexual people looking more androgynous, with less muscles or smaller breasts or hips.
Are there other examples of this you can see? How might this affect these groups of people? How can this be used to oppress (as most stereotypes are)? How might this affect teenagers differently than adults?
Divide sheet of paper into four columns
At the top of each column write “Penis/testicles”, “vagina/vulva”, “breasts”, and “sex”. You can also do this with other words like masturbation, anus, or homosexuality
Look at the list and ask yourself these questions:
- which words do you feel comfortable using?
- Which words make you feel uncomfortable?
Some words have more negative connotations than others, especially when associated with what society views as female sexuality. Words for a vulva for example, are usually much more negative than words for penis. Synonyms for penis are more like to reflect power (muscle, monster), weaponry (heat-seeking missile, cannon, sword, hammer); and cunning or danger (snake), while synonyms for vulva are likely to be unpleasant (fish, ax wound, black hole). The words we learn affect the way we view sexuality and because of that the way we view orientation and gender. The terms we use for sexual intercourse also reflects our views on sex and sexuality.
Language can shape as well as reflect values. In particular, the language we use with children affects their views. For example, referring to genitals as “down there”, or with no language at all, sends the message that sexual anatomy is something to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
(OWL curriculum used as a source)
The concern for overly exposed young bodies may be well-intentioned. With society fetishizing girls at younger and younger ages, girls are instructed to self-objectify and see themselves as sexual objects, something to be looked at. A laundry list of problems can come from obsessing over one’s appearance: eating disorders, depression, low self-worth. Who wouldn’t want to spare her daughter from these struggles?
But these dress codes fall short of being legitimately helpful. What we fail to consider when enforcing restrictions on skirt-length and the tightness of pants is the girls themselves—not just their clothes, but their thoughts, emotions, budding sexuality and self-image.
Instead, these restrictions are executed with distracted boys in mind, casting girls as inherent sexual threats needing to be tamed. Dress restrictions in schools contribute to the very problem they aim to solve: the objectification of young girls. When you tell a girl what to wear (or force her to cover up with an oversized T-shirt), you control her body. When you control a girl’s body—even if it is ostensibly for her “own good”—you take away her agency. You tell her that her body is not her own.
When you deem a girl’s dress “inappropriate,” you’re also telling her, “Because your body may distract boys, your body is inappropriate. Cover it up.” You recontextualize her body; she now exists through the male gaze."
What are your experiences with sexuality throughout your lifetime? What does your sexual journey look like?
If you don’t experience sexuality, please comment about your journey as well, whether it be your experience of your lack of sexuality our through other intimacies or romances.
What were some fears or concerns you had about sex and sexuality when you were a teenager?
What is your definition of “sexuality?” What parts of yourself are included in your sexuality?
Some answers we’ve gotten: your sexual and romantic orientation, and what you like sexually, like your kinks and desires.
What are some other things that can be included in your sexuality?
I can think of the way you feel about your body, your sexual arousal, sexual insecurities, and your libido or sex drive. Do you think gender can be a part of your sexuality? I know it’s definitely a part of mine.
What are other aspects that you think are part of your sexuality?
OWL Sexuality Definitions
Tell me what you think of these definitions.
Components of sexuality:
- Body Image
- Understanding our anatomy and physiology
- Pleasure and release from sexual tension (orgasm)
- Need to be touched
- Sexual Arousal towards bodies
- Fantasy as a means of sexual expression
Intimacy and Relationships
- Liking or loving another person
- Emotional risk-taking
- Giving back to a person who gives to us
- Includes friendships and family relationships.
Sexual and Gender Identity
- Sexual, Romantic, and Sensual Orientations
- gender roles
- Designated Sex
Reproductive and Sexual Health
- Facts about reproduction
- Sexual Activity and behaviors
- taking care of your sexual health
- manipulative flirting
- pressure for sexual activity
- sexual harassment
- sexual assault and abuse
I’m kind of confused with the way their using the word sexuality. It’s supposed to be the aspect of makes a sexual being but some of these are kind of a stretch. Here are my questions, comments, and corrections for each section
- Not everyone likes or wants to masturbate
- Not everyone can orgasm or go through the most common arousal cycle.
- Some people feel no sexual arousal about bodies
- some people have touch-aversion
Intimacy and Relationship
- Aromantics don’t have romantic attraction
Sexual and Gender Identity
- I don’t like that gender is lumped in with orientation.
I THINK that Sexualization being a part of a sexual being refers to the unhealthy sexual methods they get from the media and if they’ve suffered through any kind of sexual abuse.
What do you think of these as the aspects of sexuality? What do you view are the parts of a person’s sexuality?
Of course it looks like everyone’s going to want the most difficult article, Trans* Sex.
SO PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS.
This is supposed to be about talking about dysphoria and how to deal with dysphoria during masturbation and sexual conduct and different toys you can use to help.
I do know of what works for me, but I want other trans* people to tell me what works for them.
I know of a few popular techniques like the DFAB masturbation sleeve, curling the “penis” up so that it’s more like fingering, muffing, my own technique of treating a phallic vibrator like a penis during masturbation, and of course using strap ons, double dildos, and referring to your parts by the right gendered language but does anyone have any other useful tips?
Now that I’ve finished my Sex Aids post I’m going to get started on my post on how to introduce sex toys to your partner and use them during partnered sexual play.
If anyone has any questions or things they want to be sure I include let me know
So far I have
- how to bring up the subject of sex toys and talk about them
- how to address any fears or insecurities about using sex toys that your partner may have
- how sex will be made better with the use of sex toys
- how to use certain sex toys during partnered sexual play
Also remember I’m working on a post on trans* sexuality so if anyone wants to chime in on tips during masturbation or sex, different products they use, and how to deal with dysphoria and your sexuality let me know.
I’m also still working on my video on orientations so if anyone has any questions or comments before I finish it let me know.
[TW: Rape] How to talk to your sexual partner
Because of the reactions you may have after being sexually assaulted, your desire and ability to be sexual may be affected. It is important that you feel control over the amount and kind of sexual contact that you have. This control can be established by talking to your partner about your feelings, providing your partner is willing to listen and respect you. If you haven’t talked to your partner about sex before, it may seem difficult to start, or you may even feel angry or fearful about having to talk about it at all. Some people choose not to talk to their partner about the assault or sex. This choice is alright if it does not interfere with your recovery from the assault. However, in most cases, it is important to try to take some steps toward communicating even if it’s hard to do. Below are listed some common reactions with specific suggestions on how to talk to your partner. You may find that your comfort level changes - one day you may want to have sex and the next day hugging may feel threatening. Or you may want to stick to suggestions under #1 and #2 for several months. We suggest that you observe and honour your feelings. All of these responses are perfectly normal.
You don’t want any physical contact.
- Tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be together that show caring (i.e., cooking meals, taking walks, going to movies, etc.). You may want to spend time talking to your partner about what is bothering you, and what you feel good about from day to day. Emphasize verbal contact.
You don’t want sexual contact, but do want other forms of physical contact.
- Tell your partner about these feelings and suggest other ways to be physical: “I’m not feeling like having sex these days, but I would like to have physical contact with you. What I feel comfortable with are massages, hugs, kisses, holding hands, and sitting close to you when we are watching TV or reading on the couch. I will initiate some of these activities and want you to initiate, too.”
- It is sometimes helpful to actually set up times for touching, and to set a clear ground rule of no breast or genital touching even if either person is sexually aroused.
- Other specific activities may include taking a bath together and taking turns washing each other, cuddling under the covers and gently stroking each other, choosing a warm and comfortable room in the house and taking turns touching each other (excluding breasts and genitals), exchanging massages (try some oil or talcum powder) whether deep muscle or light and soothing. Don’t forget your favourite music or candles, and pay attention to how it feels to touch and be touched without the pressure to be sexual.
You are open to sexual contact but are cautious because you don’t know what your reactions will be. Certain behaviours touches, looks, and smells may trigger fear, anxiety, and/or flashbacks (memories of the assault).
- Stop the sexual activity at any time. It is particularly important to stop when you feel anxious, panicked, or scared. It’s OK to know your limits and act on them. Some couples set up a signal system, for example, a squeeze on the right shoulder means “stop now, I’m scared.”
- Before beginning any sexual activity, you may want to say to your partner: “Lots of times I’m not sure how I’m going to react during sex, so I may want to stop even after we’ve started. I’ll try to tell you what I want instead, like different kinds of touching or a different position.”
- Pay attention to what triggers your feelings and suggest other activities: “When you lie on top of me I feel scared and have flashbacks, and I’d like to lie side by side when we hug.” Don’t put any pressure on yourself to perform sexually.
- If there is any physical discomfort as a result of sexual contact, do not hesitate to get a medical examination.
You are open to sexual contact and don’t have anxiety reactions to specific activities, but you become aware of previous sexual issues that you have ignored or avoided (e.g., lack of orgasm, painful intercourse, lack of desire, previous sexual abuse, etc.)
- Tell your partner as much as you know about your feelings and what you want to change, if anything.
- Seek help from a therapist who specializes in working with sexual problems. The therapist can help you talk to each other, as talking can be embarrassing and difficult.
These suggestions require that your partner respects your wishes and stops when you say stop or stays within certain limits that you want. If you feel that your partner cannot do this without resentment or pressure, we recommend that you first deal with trust and respect in your relationship.
Information For Your Partner
When you learn that your partner has been raped, you will experience many feelings. It is common to feel extreme anger and a desire for revenge towards the rapist. You may feel very protective in the weeks following the rape and become angry with anyone who disturbs your partner’s sense of well-being. Your partner is likely to go through a wide variety of reactions that may cause you to be confused or to feel inadequate when you think about how to help.
One of the most sensitive issues you will face with your partner is how and when to reinitiate sexual contact. It is usually helpful to simply begin to talk to them about how they feel. Expect a broad range of feelings and responses. They may feel uninterested in sex or angry about any expectations you may have; angry at men or people in general, including you if you are a man; confused and anxious when you discuss the subject; or they may be open and interested in re-establishing contact. Whatever their response, make an effort to listen to their feelings and to understand them.
Once you understand your partner’s feelings, do your best to comply with any requests they make that allows them to feel safe and supported by you. They may interrupt lovemaking if they have unexpected feelings of fear and anxiety. Stop any contact immediately if they request it. Emphasize the type of sexual and non-sexual touching that allows them to relax. As a general rule, if your partner shows sexual interest, continue to initiate contact even if some sexual activities need to stop for a while.
If your partner is not open to sexual contact with you, understand that this is a normal response and not a total rejection of you. They are in recovering from a violent and intrusive act that has temporarily disrupted all her normal response patterns, including sexual desire. Do your best not to pressure them. You can find other outlets for your desires for awhile. This might include masturbation, or directing your energy into other areas of personal interest. Believe that your partner’s sexual desire will return in time.
You may notice that you lose your sexual desire also. This is not unusual, and may be the result of the many thoughts and feelings that you are having. You may be fearful of hurting or scaring your partner. You may feel that somehow they are “dirty” or “contaminated.” You may feel angry and suspicious about what they are telling you. Even though these feelings do not seem rational, they are common and can seriously affect your emotional and sexual relationship if they go on for long and are not talked about.
The good news is that these feelings can be talked about. If you are reluctant or scared to talk to your partner, talk to someone else as a first step. You will feel less confused and have a sense of relief if you talk to someone who knows about these feelings. You may find someone who can be of help by asking at a sexual assault center or calling a community crisis line.
You and your partner will recover from this difficult trauma, and are likely to resume normal sexual activity in time, though you may recover at different rates from one another. In the long run, you can look at this incident as an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer to each other and find new and lasting ways to express love and support.