Disclaimer: I am not a professional! If you want to find a professional sex educator please look at my "Resources" page. If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my ask site: FYsexeducationquestions, though check out my FAQ first!
Pains and Sexual Problems
Q: Is it possible to be allergic to semen/sperm?
A: It is possible for anyone to be allergic to semen/sperm. The only way to test is to go to an allergist, but that can be expensive. If you think you have an allergy, try wearing condoms and see if the reaction goes away. If it does, then use condoms. If you have a reaction to the condoms try latex free ones or ones that aren’t lubricated. Some people are allergic to latex, and some are sensitive to the ingredients found in lubrication on condoms. If you need lubrication try getting lube that’s glycerin and paraben free. If it’s your own sperm or liquids you think you’re allergic, there are treatments that doctors can give you. symptoms flu-like, aches, feverishness, a runny nose, & fatigue. They usually occur soon after ejaculation and can last anywhere from half an hour to a couple of days. The most common treatment is hyposensitisation therapy where you are injected with gradually increasing concentrations of your own semen until your body stops reacting so severely to ejaculation.
For more information Edinburghsexpression has a good post
Q: Is pain/blood during entry to the vagina normal?
A: Usually pain or blood with any sort of entry to the vagina is caused by the vagina not being aroused enough. Lube can definitely make it easier. Also, you need to be sure to use a lot of foreplay. Whenever you’re fully aroused your vagina usually loosens, lengthens, and starts producing it’s own lubrication. Be sure to be in a really sensual environment, some place where you aren’t rushed and some place you’re comfortable. You can start with your partner giving you a full body massage, being sure to touch your erogenous zones. They can also kiss you all over. Or if you’re alone you can watch porn, touch your erogenous zones or whatever else turns you on. Then you need to prepare your vagina. You can do this either with oral sex, with toys or with fingers. Be sure that the clitoris is being stimulated, as well around the vaginal opening. You can also stimulate the labia and other erogenous zones. Once you feel ready, and use lube if needed, you can try entry with the fingers. After you’ve stimulated the vagina with fingers or toys and make sure it’s stretched you can try intercourse if you wish. Some people don’t produce enough vaginal lubrication, if so use some lube. Everyone’s arousal is different, some don’t like their clitoris touched, others do. Communication is key. There are disorders that can make sex really painful, so if you’re still having trouble see a gynecologist!
For more information on the types of techniques that can keep you from having pain or bleeding during intercourse read my Sexual Techniques to Reduce Pain post.
Of course if you continue to bleed and it’s close to your period it could be that you’ve started your period early. It’s common for sex or orgasms to bring on periods early. If you continue to bleed or there’s quite a lot of blood and it’s not your period or if you’re in a lot of pain it may be best to see a doctor.
Q: Is it normal to not orgasm from vaginal stimulation?
A: Some people cannot orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. Some people cannot orgasm at all. If they have a vagina and clitoris they may need clitoral stimulation as well. In fact, many people need their outer genitals stimulation to orgasm. You can use your hands or a toy to achieve this. It could be that increasing the sensitivity of your clitoris/penis may help orgasm be more achievable during penetration. Don’t feel bad if you can’t orgasm only from penetration! Of course it doesn’t hurt to make sure the g-spot or prostate is being stimulated during sex as well. The main thing is to not focus on orgasming, just focus on enjoying yourself and having fun. Explore and experiment to figure out what positions and what techniques feel best and remember it’s not the outcome it’s the journey that matters.
Q: I get a stomach ache when I swallow semen what do I do?
A: This is fairly common. It could be that you just don’t like the taste/texture or just the idea of swallowing or giving oral sex, or it just doesn’t agree with your stomach, you’re hungry or have an empty stomach, or you have an allergy. You can either have the person wear a condom, or spit, or some people say that drinking a cold glass of water after helps their stomach settle. Eating something light before hand or making sure you’re not hungry can help. Wearing a condom is a quick fix and has the added bonus of protecting against STIs. If the problem is an allergy this would probably be the most likely to help you. An allergist can tell you for sure if you have an allergy but if you can’t afford one just use a condom. Also some vegetarians and vegans have this problem as it becomes more difficult for them to process animal protein. Don’t feel like you have to swallow, especially if it causes you pain or you’re just really not into it. Your enjoyment is just as important as your partner’s. If you don’t want to just talk to your partner and come up with something you both like doing.
Q: I’ve heard the first time you have intercourse is really painful and bloody, is it?
A: There are a lot of myths surrounding first time intercourse, the most prevalent being the hymen. The hymen as we think of it isn’t real. Most people’s hymens (or vaginal coronas) are just a mucus membrane that surrounds their vaginal opening in a little half moon shape that’s barely noticeable if you can see or feel it at all. It doesn’t break or tear during entry and is something you have your entire life. It stretches with entry just like every other part of the vagina, and it can wear down as you age although some people don’t have much of one to begin with. For the most part virginity is a social construct and your vagina in no way changes after stimulation or intercourse. Gynecologists can’t even tell if you’ve had sex or not, unless you’re one of the few people whose vaginal coronas do stretch over the entire vagina or most of it. In these cases the hymen can cause problems and might need to be removed by a doctor.
The whole “blood and pain” thing you’ve been told about sex usually is because there wasn’t enough foreplay or lubrication involved in sex. Your first time shouldn’t hurt. Sex and stimulation of the vagina shouldn’t hurt. If it does, there’s something wrong. First, you need to get yourself aroused. Being aroused loosens, lengthens, and lubricates the vagina. You can become aroused by porn, touching erogenous zones (neck, chest, stomach, thighs, etc.), or by touching your clitoris. After you become aroused you should be producing lubrication. Some people have trouble producing lubrication, so you might need to use lube. You get the lubrication on your finger and then gently massage around your vagina then gently insert it. If it’s still painful you might have a medical problem and you should see a doctor. After you’ve been able to penetrate yourself with a finger, you can try two, three, or a vibrator or dildo or a penis.
The reason why this became a sex myth probably has to do with the fact that the clitoris is a fairly new discovery, and because it was thought for a while that people deemed as “female” didn’t orgasm or receive pleasure from sex so you can imagine the lack of foreplay involved. Of course this would cause bleeding and pain.
Everyone’s body is different, Some people need a lot of foreplay or even an orgasm to be comfortable during entry, some people can jump into intercourse right away. Some people need lube, some people don’t. Some people have medical conditions that make stimulating the vagina painful. If you find sex is painful you may want to check out my tips on how to decrease pain or bleeding during sex. If you’re still having pain you should see a doctor.
Q: I can feel my partner bump against something in my vagina during sex and it hurts! What do I do?
A: It’s probably your cervix. It is pretty common if you’re having sex with someone who has a longer penis, or if you have a low cervix, or if you’re using a position that offers deeper entry. What’ll keep your partner from from bumping your cervix is using positions that don’t have them going as deep. You might have to experiment to find out what works best for you, but certain positions to keep away from are things like you being on top (unless you have enough body strength to be able to control how deep the penis goes) or missionary with your legs over their shoulders. Sex in the spooning position is pretty good for shallow sex. Doggy style can offer either deep entry or shallow entry depending on the angle of your hips. Another thing that may be causing this is you’re not aroused enough. Remember when you’re aroused your vagina lengthens. It may be that you need more foreplay, clitoral/penile stimulation, or stimulation of other erogenous zones.
Really, you need to communicate with your partner, tell them when too far is too far so that they’ll know not to go any deeper. Tell them if you need more foreplay. They won’t know you’re in pain unless you tell them. After you figure out your limits for different positions you’ll be fine.
For a list of positions for people with larger penises, Sexinfo101 has a good resource although it is gendered.
Q: while masturbating or during sex I get to a plateau where it is too much to stimulate my clitoris. How do I get past that?
A: Non direct stimulation. It can help to stimulate through underwear or clothing. It can also be better to stimulate around the clitoris instead of directly on it. Stimulate the labia, around the vagina or in the vagina, other parts of your genitals, around or in the anus, or other erogenous zones. Also try different pressures, a lighter touch or a more firm touch may be easier to use around or on the clitoris. It varies from person to person. It may be a good idea to try a little cool down period and not stimulate the genitals, though do other things that arouse you so you will continue to be aroused. If it continues to be too sensitive, just listen to your body and stop. It could be you already orgasmed without realizing it. Remember not all orgasms are fireworks and curled toes, some are barely noticeable with the only indication is that your clitoris becomes too sensitive to touch.
Q: I’ve never had an orgasm what do I do?
Some people aren’t able to orgasm, and for some people it’s really difficult to orgasm. For other people orgasms may be so minor that they don’t even notice them. Remember, the whole “fireworks and toe curls” are usually overblown. Some people have intense orgasms, and others don’t. Everyone is different.
The easiest way for many people to reach orgasm is through masturbation. This is because it cuts out the stress involved in being with another person, and because instead of giving direction to your partner as far as what feels good and what doesn’t you are just able to change where you stimulate or how hard you stimulate by yourself.
If you’ve masturbated before and checked out my guide to masturbation then you may want to try a vibrator or other sex toy. You can also use these with a partner. There are two main types of orgasm for those with vaginas; clitoral and vaginal/g-spot. For clitoral the easiest way to get an orgasm is to get a bullet vibe and apply it directly to the clitoris. For g-spot they sell vibrators specifically for g-spot stimulation. If you can stimulate both the g-spot and clitoris that might work the best. Hitachi wands are really high powered massagers that are most known for being able to cause intense orgasms. Trying different masturbation techniques can help as well. Mostly just experiment with what feels good and experiment with different kinks, fantasies, toys and porn as this can increase your arousal. You may try increasing your genital sensitivity. It could also be psychological so make sure if you have any insecurities with yourself or sexuality that you address them and possibly seek treatment. Make sure that you’re also stimulating other erogenous zones, and using a lot of foreplay to get you in the mood. Some medications can cause problems with arousal and orgasm. The biggest thing you need to do is realize orgasm isn’t that important. the purpose of sex and masturbation is feeling pleasure, connecting with your body, and/or connecting with a partner. If you have a partner talk to them and assure them it has nothing to do with them, that all bodies are different and some just have issues with orgasm. Assure them that you love them and are attracted to them. Even if you can’t orgasm, that doesn’t mean the sex is bad. If you continue to not be able to orgasm you may want to see a doctor as some cases are easily treated. If you have a penis and you have difficulties keeping an erection you may want to see a doctor as it’s pretty easily treatable.
But you may not be able to orgasm, just don’t worry about it! Focus on the pleasure you do feel and have fun.
Q: Clitoral stimulation hurts, what do I do?
A: A lot of times if you go right to direct clitoral stimulation (especially if you haven’t masturbated much) it can be really uncomfortable. First you have to get into the mood. You can do this by touching other erogenous zones (like your chest, neck, stomach, thighs), or reading/watching/looking at porn. Basically doing things to get you in the mood. Then you can stroke around the clitoris, not directly on it. Stroking over underwear may work best, especially at first. As you keep getting warmed up, and start producing vaginal lubrication, you can go to direct clitoral stimulation. You can also use lube if you don’t produce enough vaginal lubrication, or if it’s easier for you to get aroused with clitoral stimulation. Go slowly at first and then you can work your way up to faster and harder stimulation or you can just continue to stimulate around the clitoris. Remember, the outer part of the clitoris is only a small part of the structure, The nerves also exist below the skin so stimulating anywhere around the vulva can be pleasurable. Experiment and find out what works best for you. It may help to use a bullet vibrator around your vulva. You may not want it on your clitoris but it still could provide stimulation. Some people do have vulvadyna or clitorodynia which causes pain around the vulva or clitoris. If none of these tips work you might want to see a doctor about it. If clitoral stimulation doesn’t do it for you or it’s just not comfortable that’s fine! Some people don’t have very pleasurable clitorises and find much more pleasure through vaginal stimulation. You may need to use lube or smaller toys at first but if you’re aroused enough and your body doesn’t need clitoral stimulation you can go right to entry. It’s best to try stimulation directly on your g-spot. Your g-spot is located approximately two inches in the vagina along the top wall. The best way to stimulate it is to stroke it, either with fingers in a “come hither” motion crooked to stroke from the back of your vagina towards the vaginal opening or by using a toy meant for g-spot stimulation. Remember, every body is different so you need to experiment and find out what works for you.
Q: I can’t orgasm during sex or it’s difficult to orgasm during sex but I orgasm fine during masturbation, what should I do?
A: If the problem is intercourse, some people can’t orgasm from intercourse or it’s difficult for them to orgasm. If you can’t orgasm even through clitoral/penile stimulation it may be that increasing genital sensitivity may help. We tend to get used to us stimulating our genitals that we can’t orgasm in other ways, like with a partner. Other than that, a common problem is your emotions. You may feel insecure with yourself or your body or sex and sexuality in general. You may feel insecure about your partner or your relationship. You may be embarrassed about being naked or the sounds you make during sex or about seeming silly mid orgasm. You may feel pressured to orgasm and all that can make it difficult if not impossible to orgasm. Talk to your partner about any insecurities you have. Work with yourself about any insecurities you have (this post may help). If you feel ashamed of sex it may be that despite wanting sex the societal message that sex is wrong or any sex negative upbringing is sticking with you. To help you deal with that there is this post. Other than that, just relax. Stressing about orgasm just makes it more impossible to orgasm. Orgasm isn’t the most important thing in sex, feeling pleasure and connecting with your body and your partner is. Just have sex to have sex. Enjoy the feeling and being with your partner, talk with your partner about what feels good, and go with the flow. It may help to masturbate in front of your partner. That way you’re showing them what works for you. Communication is key. If your partner doesn’t know what feels good to you they won’t be able to bring you to orgasm. Give encouragement, when they do something right tell them! If something hurts or isn’t working try something else. Work together to apply what you know works through you through your experimentation in masturbation to what you do together in sex. It may also help to talk to each other about kinks or new things you want to try. If you’re aroused, relaxed, and your partner is touching all the right places sex will be the best regardless of whether you orgasm.
Q: I can’t orgasm or enjoy sex or intimacy, could it be from sexual trauma I’ve experienced in my past?
A: It definitely could be. Whenever anyone suffers sexual abuse, or any kind of abuse, they have to work through the emotions and trauma this caused. It can be a good idea to talk to a therapist. Basically, you have to let yourself be angry or upset and let yourself feel the feelings that you might not have ever allowed yourself to feel. Holding onto the trauma and those emotions and not working through them in a healthy way can make a lot of things difficult, including sex and orgasming. Once you’ve been able to work through your trauma and you can think of yourself as a sexual being, and you are able to OWN your body and see what an amazing person you are and be able to trust others and not just associate sexuality with your trauma you’ll be more comfortable with your body and your sexuality enough to be able to orgasm. It might take some time but you’ll get there. You can also check out my post on recovering from abuse.
There are a lot of recovery blogs on tumblr and on the internet in general. Although I strongly suggest seeing a therapist just being around people who have been through similar things can help. Here’s the list I have in my FAQ:
Q: my partner’s penis is rather large, how do I make sure sex wont hurt?
A: First, same as with any sexual encounter. Lots of foreplay, clitoral/penile stimulation, prepare the vagina/anus with fingers first, and use lube if needed. Before you attempt sex, your vagina/anus should be properly loosened, lubricated and with the vagina it should lengthen. Arousal and preparation makes this happen. It may be necessary to orgasm once first before sex. Using condoms can also reduce friction that could be painful. Remember, even if you feel like you’re producing enough vaginal lubrication, use lube if it hurts. It’s amazing how much lube works. You may want to get a toy that’s a little smaller than your partner so you can use that to help prepare you. Your partner may not fit all the way in. Keep in mind that bumping the cervix can be painful so talk to your partner and tell them if it’s painful and if they need to try more shallow thrusts. Remember, the vagina and anus don’t get looser permanently after sex so you’ll have to do this every time. Some people choose to get a toy close to their partner’s size so that they can use it the night before so their vagina/anus may be a little more prepared for it.
Be patient, go slow, and communicate and everything should be fine.
Going through and doing some more editing on FAQ questions and old posts. Let me know if anything needs to be changed or added!
Chronic Migraines and post orgasmic headaches
Migraines are more common than some people think. It’s a type of headache that usually also causes at least one other symptom, light sensitivity, nausea, or vomiting. There may be throbbing on one side of the head. Some people see light auras/vision disturbances before a migraine sets in. A chronic migraine is described as a migraine that occurs 15 or more days a month, with the headache lasting four hours or longer for at least three consecutive months. This is diagnosed after someone has already been diagnosed with migraines. This is a very under reported/diagnosed condition. For anyone who knows what it’s like to have a headache in general, especially a migraine one can definitely see why this would be debilitating. Most migraines are made worse by physical work, including just routine activity. Some migraines are so bad you can’t move or even think, you just have to lie down until it passes. Some include tension in the shoulders and back. It’s important to see a doctor if you have frequent headaches, not only to treat it if it’s chronic migraines, but also to make sure you catch if it’s anything more dangerous. It’s very common for people with chronic migraines to suffer from depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances or other physical illnesses. There are many things that can cause migraines, including caffeine, smoking or anything aged that contains tyramine (certain cheeses, wines, etc). Many people with chronic pain keep a journal of when they have flares, things they did that day, things they ate and other factors that may cause flares as well as any treatment you try. This way you figure out what works and what you need to avoid. As far as treatment goes, doctors try to stop the pain before it starts with medications like antidepressants, beta blockers, anti-seizure medication, anti inflammatories, and botox injections. However, sometimes those medications don’t work. People with chronic migraines may be helped by alternative medicine techniques like acupuncture, meditation, massage, biofeedback, certain herbs and vitamins, and electrical stimulation. As stated before, many people which chronic migraines suffer from depression and anxiety, which ultimately can make the condition worse, so therapy may be helpful.
Now, climax can provide relief from headaches, but for a lot of people with chronic migraines that’s un true. It’s still physical exertion and whenever you can barely move it’s difficult to feel sexy let alone be up to sex. Some people with chronic migraines become sensitive to touch as well, meaning that being touched can aggravate the head ache. It’s best to talk to your partner. Maybe come up with a signal for when you can’t be touched at all and just need to be left in a dark room for a while. Talk to your partner about what aggravates your migraines so that they will be aware of what not to do. Track when you have bad migraines. It may even coincide with specific times of your menstrual cycle as hormones can affect it. Find times when you are feeling good enough to have sex, or have lighter sex on the times you have a lighter head ache. Using toys can help. It’s a good idea to learn relaxation techniques as tensing up can cause migraines as well. Be conscious of your pressure points and what parts of your back, neck or head tend to spur a headache so you can keep from putting too much pressure on them. Because both migraines and sexual desire has been linked to serotonin levels, many people who suffer from chronic migraines also have a very high libido. This can be frustrating if you’re in too much pain to have sex.Figure out what positions and actions aggravate the headache and which ones don’t. As always communicate with your partner how you’re feeling and what chronic migraines feel like.
Even for those who don’t have chronic migraines, some people get headaches during or after climax. Usually they don’t last long, only a few minutes, but they can be quite painful. It’s best to rest and not do much during the headache and for a little while after. They don’t always happen, and sometimes they don’t happen for a while and then come back. It’s important to see a doctor just in case, especially if you have other symptoms. This is more common in people prone to migraines. The treatment for this is almost identical to the treatment of chronic migraines.
Libido Problems and How to Treat them
Low sex drive can be due to several factors, it can be due to medication, hormones, illness (psychological and physical), and age.
With medication, not only is loss of arousal, orgasm, ejaculation, or sex drive a common side effect, but also whatever you’re treating could cause it as well. The main thing is medication that affects hormone levels, which mostly includes medication for psychological illnesses or birth control. Although so much goes into sex drives, hormones do play a big part. How you’re feeling and your psychological well-being also play a big part so if your medication messes that up it could affect your sex drive. If your medication is affecting your sex life, DON’T just stop taking it. Going off medication is really dangerous. Talk to your doctor about it. There may be a kind of medication that doesn’t affect your sex drive. Also, different brands affect different people differently. Basically, switching brand might be able to help. Whenever I was on Depo Provera I had no sex drive, couldn’t get lubricated, and orgasm was nearly impossible. As soon as I switched it was all better. Sometimes switching medication doesn’t help or the medication can’t be switched and you need this medication. There are ways you can boost your sex drive, which we’ll talk about in a bit.
As stated earlier, your mind is a big part of your sex drive. The biggest killer of sex drive is stress and anxiety as well as depression. Taking care of your stress can help immensely. The biggest help is talking to someone. Talk to your friends and partners about what’s going on in your life. If you have a lot of anxiety or depression, maybe check out a therapist. Learn relaxation techniques like meditation. The main thing is to focus on your breathing and to relax all your muscles. If you have any anxiety or unresolved issues in the relationship or about your body or your own sexuality discuss that with your partner. Tell them about all your insecurities and the issues you have. Talking it out and being honest is a big help. If you feel any anxiety about the relationship, your partner, your body, sex in general, or your sexuality you need to work that out first. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’re not going to be comfortable enough to get into sex. You need to work through any issues you have with YOURSELF as well. Tell yourself you’re beautiful and worthy of love every day.
Unhealthy living, like using substances like alcohol, tobacco or certain drugs, eating unhealthy foods that make you feel sluggish, or not getting enough sleep can also affect it. Although alcohol and some drugs can make you less inhibited, enough use does dull your senses and can inhibit your brain chemicals which as we already discussed can really affect your sexuality. Things that make you tired like certain foods or not getting enough sleep or working too hard can really affect your sex. If you’re tired or sick feeling you’re not going to want to have sex. You have to take care of yourself and make sure you’re healthy. Doing some kind of exercise, even just walking or doing housework or dancing in your underwear is good. Sex is a work out; if you’re not physically fit for it it’s more difficult to do it and to get in the mood.
Of course, there are physical conditions that can make sex less fun. Things like chronic pain illnesses, menopause, hormone imbalances (especially low testosterone), or erectile dysfunction can cause problems. Whenever you have any problems, like not being able to orgasm or ejaculate or hold an erection even when masturbating or if you have any pain with sex see a doctor. You don’t have to just “put up” with intimate problems. Doctors get questions about sex all the time, you won’t be asking something they haven’t been asked before!
Now onto the big question, how do you up your sex drive, arousal, and ability to orgasm. First thing, foreplay and intimacy. Increase your time being with your partner. Just hang out, casually touching. Be naked together, not necessarily sexually, just be naked to get used to each other’s naked body. Give each other massages, cuddle, do things together. Spend a lot of time just touching each other, caressing each other, explore your bodies. Comfort is such a huge thing, you really need to get to know your partner’s body as well as your own and get used to being intimate. You need to schedule a stress free sex time. If you’re on a time limit or there’s any fear of getting caught or needing to leave, it can be difficult to get aroused! Another huge step is preparation. Part of foreplay is preparing your body. You need to get aroused enough either through touching with hands, rubbing body parts together, or oral sex, or anything else you find erotic. The main thing is to go as slow as you need. It may take extra work but you’ll get to arousal! Keep the line of communication open. Tell each other what you want and what feels good. Share fantasies you haven’t tried! Watch some pornography together. Watch each other masturbate. Get some sex toys, a vibrator can help with vaginal/clitoral arousal, a cock ring or penis teaser can help with maintaining erections. Try new positions or types of sexual activity. Experiment with your OWN sexuality. Masturbate! Use different techniques, pressures and sex toys. Use whatever you need to orgasm and be fully aroused and then gradually use less pressure and friction until you are more sensitive and get aroused easier with less stimulation. Another huge problem with libido issues is not producing enough lubrication. You may need to use lube to be comfortable and that’s okay. Again, the main thing is being comfortable and especially with penetration you or your partner need to be lubricated enough. The main thing with trying to reach orgasm is to not stress out or get too obsessed with it. Just do what feels good. Don’t focus on the orgasm or what’s not happening, just focus on the pleasure you feel, connecting with your partner and your body and what is happening.
There are things you can try that can boost your libido. There are a lot of arousal oils and products; although some don’t work or can even backfire it doesn’t hurt to try. Just look at the ingredient list and make sure you’re not putting anything dangerous in your body! You can also try natural aphrodisiacs you eat like oysters, yohimbine, gingko biloba, celery, bananas, avocado, almonds, mangoes, peaches, strawberries, eggs, liver, figs, garlic, chocolate, onion, scallion, leek, chives, cardamom, anise, turmeric, cayenne pepper, balck pepper, halibut, salmon, ginger, cinnamon, fennel, horseradish, sardines, shellfish, or asparagus or anything that is fun to eat. You can eat food off each other, although avoid sugars around the vagina. Of course, if all else fails you can try medication. People with penises have a lot of “male enhancements” to choose from, Viagra being the most common. Unfortunately there’s not much for those of us with vaginas. The main treatment is hormone therapy. Of course, seeing a doctor and asking what they think would help a lot.
Some people aren’t able to orgasm and that’s fine. Some people have lower libidos than others. The main thing is that YOU are happy. If you don’t mesh well sexually with your partner and they want more or less sex than you talk it out. If you’re not able to orgasm or it takes a lot for you to orgasm let them know. Underline the fact that it’s not on them, that that’s just the way your body is. Don’t push yourself into anything you’re not comfortable with and don’t stress out too much about sex. Sex is supposed to be fun! If you’re too busy worrying about if you’re doing it right (especially when there is no one right way to do it) then you’re not going to have fun. Just do what makes you happy and don’t stress the rest.
Re reblogging, as it has some good tips for anyone needing help with libido and sex.
Communication and the Sexual Response Cycle
Word Of The Day: agrexophilia
So there’s voyeurism: being turned on by watching other people nuzzle and play. But what about the other side of things?
If you love to kiss and tell, moan extra loudly when you know your roommates are home, and become extra randy when you know your next-door neighbors are aware you’re getting down n’ dirty? That’s a sign of agrexophilia, or sexual arousal caused by others knowing or hearing you getting freaky. Hey, grunting yourself to orgasm while your housemate knows EXACTLY what you’re up to can be even hotter than isolated sex!
Agrexophilia is a pretty common condition - as you may know all too well, be it through first hand experience or an awkward night pretending to be asleep while your freshman roommate moans and slurps. And hey, there’s no denying that it can be extremely hot. But do remember to take it easy when it comes to the people around you…respect goes a long way. And not everyone is going to be down with being woken up by your shrieking & jackhammering every day of the week.
I used to be able to finish my self by mastrabating but since I lost my virginity I can’t finish at all, during sex or anything else. I started feeling guilty about finishing myself about the same time I lost my virginity. Is something wrong with me? Is it just because of guilt?
FYSE: Guilt and other negative emotions can definitely make orgasm harder. Why are you guilty? There’s nothing wrong with masturbation at all. Address the negative emotions you have, talk them out, and realize that it’s perfectly fine to orgasm thrugh masturbation.
Word Of The Day: karezza
Invented in 1896 by feminist and obstetrician Dr. Alice Bunker Stockham, karezza derives from the Italian word ‘carezza’, or ‘carress’. It refers to a specific kind of intercourse which may go against all of your usual expectations for what ‘sex’ means: because it removes orgasms from the equation entirely.
Karezza emphasizes intimacy and emotional connection, and tries to steer couples away from the traditional orgasm-focussed model where not coming often seems like a failure.
Doctors and therapists are also heralding it as a cure for broken relationships, porn addictions, lack of sexual desire, and general sexual dysfunction. Karezza lovemaking “has no finish line”, so it encourages couples to play around with each other’s bodies in ways they typically might not feel the need to, as well as promoting bonding and understanding.
We don’t know if we’d classify or advocate this practice as a “cure” for anything, but we definitely believe in recognizing that orgasms aren’t everything when it comes to sex. Why put all of your focus on just one thing when the full range of sexual activities has so much deliciousness to offer?
What can I use to masturbate with instead of a vibrator?
Want a vibrator? But don’t want, y’know, a vibrator?
Here are some other things you could try… some will probably be more powerful than others! if you’ve tried ‘em before, tell me if they worked or not! Leave a reply or get in my ask…
1) The humble back massager…
2) An electric toothbrush. Sometimes you can take the head off to reveal just a vibrating metal strip. Otherwise, you probably wanna use the back not the bristles!
3) Because when I think of shaving, I definitely want a razor that vibrates? Anyway, you can take the razory bit off to reveal the vibrating tip.
4) Oh look, a vibrator you can clean your face with! Thanks Neutrogena.
5) At a Walgreens or whatever? They have these hidden among the condoms…
6) And even these…
7) Or you could even try taking yourself for a spin cycle…
8) Or get a buzz out of those toy pens…
OK, that’s about everything I could think of! Have fun experimenting ;)
Just make sure that whatever you use is clean and if it’s not an authentic vibrator you either put a condom on it or use non microwavable saran wrap. It’s not ideal but it will make it safer.