Disclaimer: I am not a professional! If you want to find a professional sex educator please look at my "Resources" page. If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my ask site: FYsexeducationquestions, though check out my FAQ first!
Masturbation, Relationships, and Sex: A Guide for Trans* and Gender Variant People
Sex, relationships, and masturbation can be tricky when you’re Trans*. You have to deal with social stigma as well as your own dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is the feeling that your body isn’t quite right. For trans* people this usually involves the genitals and chest, but it can also involve body hair, voice, facial features, weight distribution, and many other parts of the body. This can make it difficult to even be naked, let alone touching your body or having it be touched. There’s also the constant fear of rejection or even violence which is why many trans* people are hesitant to start up relationships or approach someone for sex. In this article we’ll discuss some tips on how to deal with each of these issues.
Of course it looks like everyone’s going to want the most difficult article, Trans* Sex.
SO PLEASE GIVE ME TIPS.
This is supposed to be about talking about dysphoria and how to deal with dysphoria during masturbation and sexual conduct and different toys you can use to help.
I do know of what works for me, but I want other trans* people to tell me what works for them.
I know of a few popular techniques like the DFAB masturbation sleeve, curling the “penis” up so that it’s more like fingering, muffing, my own technique of treating a phallic vibrator like a penis during masturbation, and of course using strap ons, double dildos, and referring to your parts by the right gendered language but does anyone have any other useful tips?
Now that I’ve finished my Sex Aids post I’m going to get started on my post on how to introduce sex toys to your partner and use them during partnered sexual play.
If anyone has any questions or things they want to be sure I include let me know
So far I have
- how to bring up the subject of sex toys and talk about them
- how to address any fears or insecurities about using sex toys that your partner may have
- how sex will be made better with the use of sex toys
- how to use certain sex toys during partnered sexual play
Also remember I’m working on a post on trans* sexuality so if anyone wants to chime in on tips during masturbation or sex, different products they use, and how to deal with dysphoria and your sexuality let me know.
I’m also still working on my video on orientations so if anyone has any questions or comments before I finish it let me know.
Masturbation and Sex Toys
Q: How do I masturbate?
Q: Can masturbation cause you to become numb during sex?
A: Generally speaking no. In fact for some people masturbating using a vibrator especially state that they’re more sensitive over time. However, if you use the same technique (especially if it has a lot of force to it) over and over you can become trained to that technique. It’s better to use different techniques, positions, hardness, speed, and toys so that your body doesn’t become too used to one thing. I discuss different masturbation techniques in my post, Beginner’s Guide to Masturbation. I also talk about how to increase genital sensitivity here.
Q: Is there anything wrong with masturbating a lot?
A: The only time when masturbation is a problem is if it keeps you from doing things you need to do and you masturbate even when you don’t want to, at which point it is an addiction. Some people become sore after a lot of masturbation, sometimes using a bit of water based lube can help, but otherwise just know your limits. Masturbating a lot in no way decreases your sensitivity or makes your vagina “loose”. Especially when you’re a teen or young adult you may find yourself masturbating frequently, maybe multiple times a day. That’s healthy and isn’t something you have to worry about. Everyone is different, some people don’t masturbate at all, some people masturbate once a month, some people masturbate once a week, some people masturbate daily, some people masturbate multiple times a day. Depending on your age and hormones the rate may go up for a while then down for a while and back up for a while. Don’t worry too much about it unless it severely affects your life.
Q: I’m under age. How do I get a vibrator?
A: Usually the easiest way to get a vibrator when you’re underage/don’t have your own money source is buying something random that vibrates and using that. Just make sure to keep it clean and cover it either with a condom or non microwavable saran wrap. You can also use a shower head directed at your clitoris (not your vagina, since that can be unhealthy). There is a mini vibrator trojan makes that I’ve heard is good and inexpensive and easy to find in drug stores, so if you have any money you could get that. If you have more money and either a bank account with a debit card or get a pre paid credit card online you can buy toys online which arrive in regular boxes with no indication that sex toys are inside. Some sex stores don’t card, so you could try to sneak in and buy one there as well. For more advice see this post.
Q: Is it safe to masturbate with this random phallic or vibrating object?
A: As long as any object you insert doesn’t have any sharp edges, and you keep it clean and use a barrier like a condom or non-microwavable saran wrap you should be fine. Always be careful with anything you insert, be sure to not be too rough especially with objects that have no give. If it starts to hurt, stop. For more advice see this post.
Q: How do you masturbate without touching yourself?
A: by rubbing your genitals on something or masturbating over a layer or so of clothing.
you can either scoot back and forth on a flat surface like a chair with your legs spread and labia against the surface, or you can put a pillow between your legs while lying down on your side or stomach, rubbing your thighs together and grinding your crotch against the pillow. Also, some people can masturbate rubbing their vulva against a bed while lying on their stomach but that angle is difficult for some people to achieve. It helps if you use the back of your hand or a pillow.
You can rub your genitalia against a bed or in between a couple of pillows,cushions or blanket.
Q: I’m new to sex toys, how do I choose what to buy and how do I take care of them?
A: Here’s what to look for when buying a vibrator, Here’s what to look for when buying a toy to make sure that it’s safe, Here’s how to clean your toy, Silicone is really the safest and best material, and here’s why, if it’s dildos you’re looking for here’s a good guide.
Sex toy health and care post coming soon
What to look for in a toy post coming soon
Q: I want to get a sex toy and have no clue where to begin. Help?
Insertable Sex Toys (coming soon)
Masturbator Toys (coming soon)
How to use certain sex toys (coming soon)
Q: What kind of lube should I use?
Q: How do I do gender play?
Q: I’m disabled, are there any aids or toys that can make sex easier?
A: Yes there are (post coming soon)
More editing of FAQ categories! If you have any questions or comments on posts that are in the works or anything that should be added to this section let me know!
Also see: Masturbation Guide
Clitoral vibrators are very popular because of a couple of reasons, the clitoris can be really sensitive and fun to stimulate and some people can’t orgasm or feel pleasure through penetration alone and need clitoral stimulation to feel pleasure. Really, any kind of vibrator can be a clitoral vibrator if it’s used on the clitoris. However, there are vibrators that can’t be used during penetration or are just better used externally. They don’t necessarily have to be used on the clitoris, they can be used anywhere (externally) that vibrations are pleasurable. The main categories are bullet, egg or mini vibrators, pocket rockets, massagers, and wearable vibrators.
Bullet vibrators are small and oblong. They may come with a push button (cheap ones don’t have any varying levels but more expensive ones do), or a cord that attaches to a control panel. The standard shape is that of a bullet, but they’re making more that are more interestingly shaped like the leaf vibes, je joue fifi, or kandi kisses (and other make up shaped incognito vibes.). You can also get a finger bullet like the Trojan brand Vibrating touch that you can get anywhere condoms are sold. Many bullet and mini vibrators come with attachments or are attachment accessible. These (usually silicone) attachments have a unique texture and shape to better stimulate the clitoris, many are patterned after the rabbit ear part of a rabbit vibrator. You can get slightly bigger vibrators that can be standard round shapes, or very unique like the the love bunnies (cute round bunnies), catmouse (a computer mouse), muse (cartoon bunny), anything from the toyfriend line, Doc Johnson’s wonderland series, I rub my ducky (rubber ducky), retro rocket (a rocket ship), zen (stone), forbidden fruit (apple) and Man Eaters From Outerspace (alien). As toys get bigger they get more complex. This includes oral sex simulators, the we-vibe, siri, or various jimmyjane form or luxe vibrators. They come in various shapes, colors and sizes, some have controls on them, some come with controllers, some are waterproof, some plug into your Ipod and send you vibrations based on your music. Many come in silicone, plastic, metal TPR, thermoplastic rubber, rubber or jelly, and skin like. Everything after metal can have chemicals in it that aren’t healthy for you and it may be best to use a barrier with it. You can use any of these during masturbation, or you can have a partner use them on you. If you can’t orgasm or don’t feel pleasure through penetration, you or your partner can hold it on your clitoris during intercourse.
Pocket Rockets are little, powerful vibrators that are long and wide with the vibrating part at the end. Most are similarly shaped, although they come in different colors, however many come with attachments that can make the stimulation more interesting. Some, like the iKit, come with many attachments. There are some that are more unique, like the dolphin clit teaser, or the hello kitty pocket rocket. Most are plastic, although the attachments can be silicone. Others are non porous TPR, thermoplastic rubber, or rubber or jelly. You can use them during masturbation or with a partner.
Massagers are really high powered and larger, and the vibrating part is at the end. Many plug in like the hitachi magic wand, essential magic wand, mystic mini wand, pocket fairy, and many more. Others run on batteries like the mystic wand, fairy wand, and many others. Some come with attachments as well. They can come in silicone, plastic, thermoplastic rubber, rubber or jelly, or skin like. You can use them during masturbation or with a patner
Wearable vibrators include vibrating panties with remote controls, some attach to Ipods and other music players, some are underwear with a pocket for a vibrator like the Naughty Noir Remote Pleasure line, or club vibe. Others you wear inside underwear like the Club Vibe 2, or the Fetish Fantasy Elite Vibrating Panty. Others are strap on vibrators shaped usually like butteflies. They can be plastic like the wing fling, but most are TPR, thermoplastic rubber, or rubber or jelly like the butterfly effect, venus butterfly, or the interactive mini dolphin. You can use these during masturbation, or with a partner. If it has a controller you can have your partner use it while you’re out and about together. You can also use the strap on ones during intercourse, this can make clitoral stimulation easier if you need it to orgasm or feel pleasure.
As you can tell there are a lot of different kinds of vibrators designed for the clitoris in mind, and lots to choose from. Whenever you sit down to choose think about what you want as far as controls, power, design, material and safety, and features like being waterproof, plugging in, being rechargeable, being quiet, or having nifty features. Think about what you want to use it for, with yourself, with a partner, during sex? All of these are really good questions to ask yourself on your way to finding a good clitoral vibrator.
When I was a wee me, I was so confused about my own body parts and it ended up causing me a lot of frustration. Talking about (whispers) vaginas… seemed so taboo and embarrassing that I never bothered to ask anyone about it, either. If I had gotten the education I needed, things would have been a lot better for me. So, just as a little guide for the folks out there with vaginas, have a simplified blog entry about what’s in between your legs so you don’t have to ask!
1. First off: all vaginas are going to look different. But inside, your organs look like this, as you’ve seen in health class and probably know so well that you could draw this without even looking at the paper:
It’s pretty simple and it’s kind of a bore for a lot of people. Well, luckily, that’s not what we’ll be focusing on. Health class will at least teach you about the technical parts, or biology will!
No, we’re going to be focusing more on the parts of the vaginas you see every day and have to deal with. The vagina is a really scary thing at first. No one talks about them and it seems so odd, what’s down there. Is mine shaped right? Is mine too loose or too tight? Is it oddly colored? Am I gross?
Relax. Every vagina looks completely different! It’s like that snowflake cliche. Here is a diagram of the basic things you see on the outside of the vagina:
- mons pubis - a protecting “fatty pad” of sorts to protect your pubic bone during intercourse
- labia - a layer of tissue to protect your vagina
- clitoris - pleasure point of the vagina
- vaginal opening - where intercourse happens
- urinary opening - where you pee, of course!
- anus - don’t even make me say it
But the beauty of the vagina is that every vagina is so diverse. Your vagina can be differently colored, such as pink or dark or other colors. Your labia can either be smaller or larger. Some vaginas are more “innie” while others are “outie”. All of these are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with any vagina that looks different, so don’t worry!
Get to know your vagina. There’s nothing wrong with feeling yourself up and getting to know yourself down there. Feel where your clitoris is, then where your openings are, look at it in a mirror. You’ll slowly grow comfortable with what is there.
2. Pubic hair is a weird thought for many people. Some are so appalled by it they will shave every day down there. Others let it grow. Socially, our society tends to like hairless people. In reality, shaving, laser work, and bikini waxes can cause small open wounds and increase the risk for infection on your genitals. And that’s not good. A great alternative is cutting your pubic hair with haircutting scissors instead. Either way, it’s an individual’s choice on whether to shave or not, so feel free to do as you please.
3. Menstruation, or your period, is something most people with a vagina know all about. All I want to say here is that don’t stress out too much about what your vagina is doing while you’re on your period unless it hurts to the point of not being able to move or your flow is extremely horrible. Any aches or cramps or smells or itches or ANYTHING is because of your period, and it’ll pass with the period.
I personally do not like pads, they are not very hygienic and feel like wearing a diaper. The pro to those is not having to insert anything. I personally like tampons, which are cleaner and allow movement, and are inserted easily. There are also diva cups, which are little disposable or non-disposable cups that you put in yourself and will act like a longer-lasting tampon. It sounds gross, but I’ve heard many great things about them!
4. Masturbation is one of the best things in the world for someone with a vagina. Not all people are for feeling all hot and bothered, and if so, feel free to skip this section. Something I’ve heard from a lot of penis-owners is that their masturbating is more on the “finish” and they rarely enjoy themselves for the rest. Well, lucky for you, your vagina is nothing like that.
The vagina is made for your pleasure. It is a smooth and soft organ, but not only that, it has the only organ ever to have its only purpose be your pleasure: the clitoris. The clitoris is that small bud we saw on the diagram from before. Anyone can orgasm from a clitoral orgasm, and most can’t orgasm any other way.
Inside the vagina where a penis, sex toy, fingers — whatever — may enter, is the G-Spot. Yes, it’s real. It’s a spongy little mass at the top of your inside… You can feel it if you push your fingers in and touch the ceiling of your vagina walls, usually. The G-Spot is usually what creates vaginal orgasms. If you can’t have a vaginal orgasm, don’t feel bad: plenty don’t!
Masturbating is really important to connect with your vagina. The orgasms are clean and wonderful. Masturbation is especially good for stress and for helping your sleeping patterns. Plus, it will most likely improve your sex life, since you’ll know what makes you feel best now.
If you want a vibrator, there are plenty of stores online, even ones you can hook up to music to vibrate to the beat. If you’re too young or embarrassed, go to your local Wal-Mart or other store and get one of those handheld back massagers. They work like a charm. Masturbate to music or don’t, be relaxed, fantasize and when it happens, you’ll thank me.
5. Hygiene is an important factor to keeping your vagina healthy, obviously, but I have been shocked over the years by how many people just don’t know how to treat their sensitive vaginas! Do not put shampoos, conditioners, other hair products, body wash, or hand sanitizer on your genitals! The vagina is very, very sensitive and doing this can lead to infection or much worse. Rinsing with water should be fine, as well as rinsing through your pubic hair if you have longer or thicker hair. If you have any odd pains or itches, go to the doctor, but don’t try to solve it by putting soap there. ):
6. Lastly, don’t let anyone define your vagina. The vagina is a huge topic right now from the voices of those without them. As you grow, your vagina will be subjected to ridicule, mockery, and have itself be criminalized and demeaned for nothing by those without them. Your vagina is a beautiful organ and it is not for them to decide what to do with it.
And don’t let someone else’s vagina define yours. Just because the vagina is on a boy doesn’t make yours less invalid. Just because one vagina seems flawless doesn’t mean yours isn’t. Love your vagina for who it is!
This post is almost so perfect I could cry. The only thing I notice is that not everyone can orgasm from clitoral stimulation but that’s it.
NSFW Foreskin-Funday-Sunday #2
Fingering the foreskin (video courtesy of xtube.com):
This feels really good to do.
Advice and variants:
- try to make sure that your fingernails are trimmed down when you do this
- if your fingers are rough, try using a some lube, or maybe put on medical gloves, and then use lube
- sometimes, it is fun to do this with ice instead of your finger (make sure to moisten the ice first, so you don’t get your foreskin stuck like a tongue to a pole)
- inserting and swirling a small vibrator is pretty fun (lube suggested)
- the very tip of the foreskin, where the ridged bands are, is the most sensitive
Autism and sex
tw: mentions sexual abuse
I have read a lot about sex and autism, and I have heard things like:
“How can you have sex AND be autistic?”
“So can you have sex or?”
“No one will ever have sex with me because I’m autistic…”
“I flail so much during masturbation, how could I ever had sex? I’m TOO autistic.”
Stimming is something that is natural for me to do. Flapping, waving, rocking, swaying, making animal noises, hiding, blinking rapidly, it’s just what I do. It’s what I have always done. I can’t separate this from myself, it is a large part of who I am. And that is ok.
I have heard horrible stories about autistic people and sex. I’m extremely lucky to have never received sexual abuse because of my autism. (Well, sort of. I have, but they didn’t know what I am is because of the autism so it wasn’t against the autism, per se.)
When I’m being sexual, or sensual, I stim. I stim a lot. I flail, I roll, I rock, I cover my face, I blink, I make noises, I become mute, I hit myself or the other person. I squeak and squawk and mew and all sorts of noises. My facial expressions are all over the place. I hated this about myself for the longest time and I tried so hard to hide it. I was ashamed of these things. I wanted to be “normal”; to have sex like everyone else does. Wanna know something? I was wrong. The truth is, it feels good to stim when I’m being sexual or sensual. It feels really good. My sex is different. My sex is special. I share my stims only with those I trust the most. They’re an intimate part of who I am.