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It feels like such a privilege to not be in an abusive relationship.
TW: Talk of sexual abuse
I was just standing in the kitchen with Pax after we’d unpacked, Pax decided it was a good time to take the bin out but he fumbled with it all trying to separate the cardboards from the plastics. I was just standing there giggling, he had a laugh too and as he walked out the door with the rubbish, i thought “It feels like such a privilege to not be being hurt right now”.
Then it hit me how fucked up that actually is. Craig (biological father) was abusive towards my mother and i. My mum copped sexual, physical, verbal, emotional and financial abuse, i copped physical, verbal and emotional abuse. We left him when i was 15 and 6-8 months later i was in a relationship with a man and living with him. Then he raped me. Then there was a drug addicted girlfriend who regularly threw big tantrums and got in fights two years later a girl who said “No i will never try to treat you right….i am committed to being abusive”. I’ve had relationships between these abusive ones that weren’t abusive but they usually also weren’t safe or sane.
For the first time i am in a relationship where i feel completely respected, loved, accepted, satisfied and happy. I don’t feel afraid of talking in case something i say sets off an angry outburst, i don’t feel afraid that one day during sex he won’t stop, i don’t feel afraid when he runs his hand over the back of my neck, i don’t feel manipulated or lied to, i feel equal. It feels completely new to not be in a loud, shouting, crashing, scary household with a man. This is what it always should have been. This is what is fucking always should be for everyone though namely in this post, i am referring to women.
In America, 25% of women have experienced domestic violence in their life time. 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
In Australia 40% of all women have experienced violence since the age of 15. Since the age of 15, 33% of women have experienced inappropriate comments about their body or sex life, 25% have experienced unwanted sexual touching and 19% have been stalked.
Historically women have been victimised by someone they knew. So going by these statistics and many many many many many many many many many more, women are pretty fucking lucky not to experience some kind of relationship violence or abuse in their life time, to not be abused in some way really is a fucking privilege.
Yesterday while checking my facebook, i came across a joke (i mean..a “joke”) from an adult comedy page; i’m not going to repeat the joke for not wanting to spread it but it was a rape joke. I saw it and felt myself go red. I saw how many likes it was getting and the “haha” comments and i made a comment calling them out. A few people agreed with me but what i was shocked to see was women were the main people laughing at this joke (or rather the main ones commenting) and defending the joke even though the joke was one made about a violent sexual act being performed against another woman. I felt like i was surrounded by a great pit of social brainwashing. We have been programmed and pushed down so much when it comes to speaking up about and against sexual violence that the very act of raping someone is now a joke. And not just that, but even if the joke had been made and the victim was male, he would be put down for his lack of “masculine” or “manly” response…so he’d be called a pussy or a girl. Now just being female is an insult.
This shouldn’t all be normal. It shouldn’t be expected for a woman or girl to be assaulted. It shouldn’t be an exceptional thing to have a relationship that isn’t abusive. Women shouldn’t be the butt to every insult or degrading, dehumanizing joke. I guess what i want is for people to think about this. Think about what the people around you are saying, what they are doing. Think about what you are saying and doing because from the above statistics, if you’ve met say…10 women, you know at least one woman who has been assaulted or abused. Are you helping create an environment that is supportive, safe, active, fun for everyone or are you telling the rape jokes your sister might get nightmares from?
Okay Tumblr, here is the deal, I need your help. All of your help.
My mom works for Chrysalis, a nonprofit domestic violence shelter in Phoenix, Arizona. I cannot praise Chrysalis enough, honestly.
It’s the only domestic violence shelter in the valley that caters to all victims - women and men. Gay, lesbian, transgender, straight, pregnant, teenagers, men and women, they offer help and protection to anyone who is a victim of domestic violence. Not many other shelters can say that.
The thing is in order to run a great organization like this, they need funds. Currently Chase is offering up to $2 million in grants to organizations such as Chrysalis.
Here is where you come in. All you need to do is CLICK THIS LINK AND VOTE FOR CHRYSALIS. You don’t need to give any of your personal information or give any of your own money. You just need to vote for them.
Currently, Chrysalis is seriously trailing in the voting. I’ve seen bloggers on Tumblrs raise thousands of dollars in hours so I know something as easy as submitting a vote is something you guys can do.
Please, please, please, CLICK THIS LINK AND VOTE FOR CHRYSALIS.
If nothing else, please reblog this and get the word out guys. Any help is huge help.
Signal boosting. This is important.
The Domestic Violence Blog Network
As some of you may know, I’m a survivor of and struggling with Domestic Violence, IPV, and Childhood abuse. Although I’ve been attending therapy for 7 years, I still don’t feel like it’s enough support, and maybe some of you feel the same.
So I asked myself, “Self, wouldn’t it be fucking awesome to create a network of people who have survived, are struggling with, and need support dealing with Domestic Violence, IPV, Childhood abuse and the like?”
HELL YEA IT WOULD BE!
This is why I would like to connect survivors of and those who need support with dealing through Domestic Violence, IPV, and Childhood abuse! and this is how we’ll do it:
- Connect- Reach out, find each other, and come together. Submit your experiences,ways you cope,poems,rants,artwork,anything that helps you find support and deal with it. Find other bloggers that have dealt with,are going through, and want to support eachother.
- Redefine- We all know the textbook definition,studies have shown the effect Domestic Violence have on mental health, and more than a few of us struggle with PTSD, but it all seems so impersonal, like we’re lab rats rather than thinking, breathing,human beings who have to deal with this shit day in and day out. We must reclaim what it means to be a survivor, we must redefine what Domestic Violence means to us, we must realize how domestic violence is a direct outcome of sexism and the fundamentals of it’s abuse and how we must collectively fight back against the system that supports it.
- Speak Up- Seek resources to help those struggling to get out of abusive environments. Create guides on how to bring yourself back into a safe space when you are triggered. Reach out from town to town,city to city, country to country, on where shelters are, supportive housing„emergency numbers, and local support groups. Plan meetups, talk ins, hangouts, anything that will help support eachother. Don’t let abusers get swept under the rug, especially those in power. Put their shit on blast (if you want to), call them out, and make them wish they thought twice. Help fund-raise for those who need it, to get out of town, to seek therapy, find housing, because not all of us have the privilege of be supported financially and may need help from fellow survivors.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE connect to the domesticviolenceblognetwork and spread the word!
*I run several blogs, and although I fully support and love each and every one of them, it does drain a lot of my time and energy, so it would be much appreciated if anyone who would like to help moderate the Domestic Violence Blog Network!
If you are living with an abusive person (be it a spouse, sibling, cousin, roommate, or partner, and whether it is physical or verbal or whatever), here’s some tips.
1. If the person demands you isolate yourself by…
The White House on Tuesday issued a veto threat to the House Republican version of the Violence Against Women Act.
“The Administration strongly opposes H.R. 4970, a bill that would undermine the core principles of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA),” reads a statement from the Office of Management and Budget. OMB griped about provisions that, unlike the Senate-passed version, exclude protections for Native Americans and LGBT domestic violence andundocumented immigrants.
The Administration urges the House to find common ground with the bipartisan Senate-passed bill and consider and pass legislation that will protect all victims. H.R. 4970 rolls back existing law and removes long-standing protections for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault – crimes that predominately affect women. If the President is presented with H.R. 4970, his senior advisors would recommend that he veto the bill.
This a fantastic resource that really breaks things down for you. Educate yourself. Know the signs. And remember: abuse knows no sex or gender - abuse is abuse.
I know I’ve told this story before, but my abusive ex refused to let me take birth control. I was on the pill until he found them in my purse.
I went to the Student Health Center—they were completely unhelpful, choosing to lecture me about the importance of safe sex (recommending condoms) instead of actually listening to my problem.
Then I went to Planned Parenthood. The Nurse Practitioner took one look at my fading bruises and stopped the exam. She called in the doctor. The doctor came in and simply asked me: “Are you ready to leave him?” When I denied that I was being abused, she didn’t argue with me. She just asked me what I needed. I said I need a birth control method that my boyfriend couldn’t detect. She recommended a few options and we decided on Depo.
When I told her that my boyfriend read my emails and listened to my phone messages and was known to follow me, she suggested to do the Depo injections at off hours when the clinic was normally closed. She made a note in my chart and instructed the front desk never to leave messages for me—instead, she programmed her personal cell phone number into my phone under the name “Nora”. She told me she would call me to schedule my appointments; she wouldn’t leave a message, but I should call her back when I was able to.
And that was it. No judgment. No lecture. She walked me to the door and told me to call her day or night if I needed anything. That she lived 5 blocks from campus and would come get me. That I wasn’t alone. That she just wanted me to be safe.
I never called her to come to my rescue. But I have no doubt that she would have come if I had called. She kept me on Depo for a year, giving me those monthly injections in secret, helping me prevent a desperately unwanted pregnancy.
I cannot thank Planned Parenthood enough for the work they do."
"Ohio bill would block domestic violence, cancer screening, HIV/AIDS funding for Planned Parenthood" (Plunderbund 2012)
“In addition to restricting the flow of federal ‘family planning’ funds, House Bill 487, sponsored by Representative Ron Amstutz and adopted without a recorded vote by members of the House Finance and Appropriations Committee, completely prohibits the distribution to Planned Parenthood of Ohio or any of its affiliates from any of the following federal programs:
- Violence Against Women Act
- Breast and Cervical Cancer Mortality Prevention Act
- Infertility Prevention Project (US Dept of Health & Human Services)
- Minority HIV/AIDS initiative funds (Centers for Disease Control)”
Really, Ohio? Are these people trying to get voted out of office?