Yes, women use pornography, but the fact that women use pornography doesn’t make the dangers of pornography disappear. Rather, it brings them into sharper focus. Women who are using pornography are getting high on the same sense of control that men are. Women who are using pornography are degrading the women in their mind and hating them for the same reasons that men are. The difference is that women will many times wake up of their own accord. Since we ARE women, we see the degradation and we, just as men, train ourselves to get off to that degradation. Unlike men however, we realize that we ARE women and sometimes, oftentimes, this realization hits us when the men we’re with begin to want to degrade US in the same way that WE are degrading the women in our minds, or the women on our computers or on our TV’s.
It is then that many times we will realize the dangers and see that WE were only a tiny margin away from being THAT woman ourselves. When our partners begin to want to degrade US the way that they degrade THEM, the false distinction that we make in our own minds between US and THEM disappears entirely. Then we realize that we are just as vulnerable as they are. It is then that we understand that we are no different than the porn stars, we are just as vulnerable to men as they are, and the power and control that we believed we were getting was simply not real. It was just a phantom, and now we’re being asked to perform those same acts.
That moment comes for many women. That moment when their partners ask for the things that the porn stars did. And we recognize the trap that we’ve laid for ourselves.
—
(via whatispatriarchy)
Firstly, when I watch porn I certainly do not hate the women who are in the particular piece of porn I am watching. I am actually rather fond of them.
Secondly, degradation is lowering someone in class or merit or value. Just because a woman is filmed in a sex act does not inherently lower her value. Unless SHE feels that she is lowering her value or doing something that she doesn’t want to. In which case it is degrading. However you cannot speak to another persons feelings or emotions.
Thirdly, porn has some awesome stuff in it. Why would it be inherently bad to do stuff that you have seen in porn? Particularly if you and your partner enjoy it?
(via fieldoflilys)
^^ Someone who puts it better than I do.
(via fuckyeahsexpositivity)(via fuckyeahsexpositivity)
But what matters isn’t “enthusiastic consent” but simply “real consent”—consent that’s given freely and sincerely. Consent that someone gives because they’re afraid they’ll be physically or emotionally attacked if they don’t isn’t real consent. Consent that’s given when someone is incapable of understanding what they’re agreeing to (because they’re drugged, or they’re a child, or they’re saying “yes” to a different thing than will actually be done to them) isn’t real consent. And obviously consent that’s withdrawn or never given at all isn’t real consent.
—Cliff Pervocracy, “Real consent.” (via fuckyeahsexpositivity)
The truth is, though, that it’s an incredibly simple and casual thing. I mean, I ask “honey, do you want to go for a walk?” too; I don’t just grab him by the arm and start dragging him down the street. It’s natural to ask someone before involving them in an activity.
—
Cliff Pervocracy, “Asking.”
This whole article on consent and stuff, just… *fangasm*
(via fuckyeahsexpositivity)8 Ways To Be Positive You're Sex Positive
…simply labeling yourself “sex-positive” doesn’t necessarily mean you are. After hanging around the sex blogosphere for the last couple of years, I’ve been schooled in the way I think about sex. After the jump, some things to keep in mind if you want to be truly positive you’re sex positive.
yay! No where on this list does it say that you have to have sex to be sex positive.
(Source: genderandsexualityawareness)
ConsentEd
This is an amazing [brand new] website about consent and ending sexual violence, created by a group of young people in Edmonton, Alberta.
thanks for the submission! what a fantastic resource!
(via goodconsentrules)
[Trigger Warning: Rape, sexual assault] A bit on consent
You guys see us reblogging a lot of things about consent and rape (and also abortion), but I feel like I need to talk about what consent really means (once again. Really, you can’t get enough of this).
Consent means:
- Saying yes the FIRST time.
- Stopping whenever someone (male, female, or any gender inside/outside the binary) says stop (or the safe word, if we’re going into kinky stuff where stop may not always mean stop. That means HAVE A SAFE WORD and TALK ABOUT THAT BEFORE SEX EVEN STARTS).
Consent does NOT mean:
- Being coerced into saying yes. If you say no the first time the asker asks, they should stop asking. Pressuring people into sex isn’t consent. If they say they’ll hate you if you don’t have sex with them, it’s not consent. Don’t feel like it was. If they say they’ll love you if you do, it’s not consent. Don’t feel like it was.
Besides, if they keep bugging you about it, then it’s not really worth talking to them anyways.- Being inebriated or passed out. If someone cannot give consent, it is not a given that it is ok to have sex with them. This shouldn’t need to be said. The person CANNOT GIVE consent, so it is NOT consent.
- “They gave consent once, so it’s ok whenever I want to have sex with them.”
This shouldn’t need being stated either, but it does. Things happen. Life happens. It’s ok to not want sex with someone if you have had sex with that person before. It’s ok to say so.- “We’re in the middle of it, so why can’t I finish?” Because they’re uncomfortable with whatever is going on. If someone needs to finish that badly, they have hands and sex toys. Another person’s body is not a personal sex toy. Remember that, and remember it well.
Rape is about:
- Someone being in control of another person. And that’s it. It’s not about sex. It’s not about instinct. It’s about controlling another person.
It really fucking sucks that these things need to be said, but they do. Rape isn’t just something that happens in a dark alleyway. It happens in relationships and at parties. It is not something petty and stupid if it doesn’t happen like “every other stereotypical rape story”. No one’s story is invalid. No one’s experience is invalid.
Please, NEVER tell someone that their story is invalid because it doesn’t fit your window of what rape “should be” and remember that rape shouldn’t be.
Communication
The number one skill you will ever learn is communication. This is especially important for relationships and sex. At first it can feel awkward to talk but you can’t expect your partner to take the lead, and there are things you need to address. Practice conversations beforehand, and encourage periodic sharing times. This will make things more normalized.
The first thing you need to do is to be able to communicate your needs, sexually or in the relationship. Whenever you start a relationship, even if it’s purely physical, you need to communicate what you need and what you want to get out of the relationship. If you want just sex, say so. If you want a relationship, say so. If you don’t want to be monogamous, say so. You need to set the boundaries and the rules. What kind of touching is appropriate, what is considered cheating to you, what kind of contraceptives you’re going to use, what to do if a partner gets an STI/STD or pregnant, and work out how to make sure that consent is given every time.
Consent can be tricky. A lot of people don’t want to ask, “Can I?” for every touch. It’s important to negotiate what is generally off limits. What touches you aren’t into whatsoever. Then you can discuss times when you absolutely don’t want to be touched. If you have panic attacks or periods where you can’t stand touch, let them know and tell them not to touch you during that time. Discuss when touch without express permission is okay. You want to have your partner wake up with you going down on them? Ask if that’s okay. This is especially important if you are into any kind of sexual activity where consent can be difficult to get, like with BDSM or bondage or anything like that. That is where a safety word comes in. I discuss this more in detail in my post on BDSM, but basically come up with a word (other than no, since some people like hearing/saying that word) that stops all sexual activity. It’s best if it’s something not sexy at all. You can also come up with a gesture when someone can’t speak. A common trick is to drop something, like keys or something that makes noise.
You need to be honest with your partner about your past. Talk with them about past abuse, STIs, and sexual experiences. Be sure both of you get tested regularly. If you had a bad experience, especially if it affects your current experiences, let them know. If you’re insecure or afraid of anything you need to let them know so that they know what’s going on and you get the support you need. If you’re uncomfortable with anything let them know!
Sexually, you need your needs met. Feel free to tell them when you need something sexually! Not only does this refer to fantasies or kinks, but also to stimulation. If you need clitoral stimulation tell them. If you need a particular kind of stimulation tell them. Tell them whenever something feels good, and give them praise, and let them know when it doesn’t feel good so they know not to do it again.
Always use “I” statements. Tell them how you feel. This way you keep the focus on you and they don’t feel called out. Sit them down and explain exactly how you feel. Go into detail. The biggest block in the way of good communication is misunderstandings. If you promote a safe environment where both of you can talk freely and focus on 1. Sharing your feelings and 2. Listening, things will be so much better.
Even if it’s your first time being sexual or being in a relationship you need to have good communication. Even if you’ve been in a relationship for years you need to have good communication. Always have sharing times where you can share your feelings and your partner can share their’s. Make sure everyone’s needs are getting met and that everyone is comfortable and feels safe. Be patient! It can be easy to get frustrated when things happen that can make problems, but just talking about it and giving it time can sort everything out in the end.
Anonymous asked: I have a bestiality fetish, I won't lie, but I think the idea that we shouldn't have sex with animals because they don't give consent is kind of, pardon my french, but bullshit. Animals don't give consent to be pets. They don't give consent to be killed and eaten. Humans are animals, too, afterall.
I agree that animals don’t consent to be pets or consent to be eaten. If it were up to me domesticated animals would be given a lot more freedom (and we wouldn’t have domesticated animals in the first place) and the way we consume animals would be totally different. We as a culture treat animals horribly and we all make decisions as far as how much we personally abuse animals. Which is why I don’t believe that acting out a bestiality fetish on an animal is right because you’re choosing outright to not care about their ability to give consent. Just like I wouldn’t approve of sex with a human who couldn’t give consent I wouldn’t approve of sex with an animal that can’t give consent.
