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Here’s what I think about sex: The journey’s the worthier part
I don’t orgasm. Well, as far as I can tell. Sometimes I think I might, but it’s not that mindblowing experience that I read about in fiction or see in porn.
Does that mean that sex is not enjoyable for me?
I like sex, with the right person or people. But I’ve had partners in the past who have taken it as a personal insult that I haven’t had an orgasm. Despite me telling them throughout and afterwards that I enjoyed the encounter, they felt cheated, or that I wasn’t trying hard enough.
And I don’t get that. Some people have a harder time orgasming than others. Some never orgasm. What matters is that all people involved are enjoying themselves, and getting something out of the encounter. Whether that’s physical pleasure, emotional pleasure, closeness, bonding, or all of the above.
The number of orgasms or length of orgasms shouldn’t matter.
Sex is an activity that two or more people engage in together. And like other mutual activities, say for example, watching a movie, going to a museum, bowling, etc., no two people experience them identically. I could watch a movie with you, and when it was done we could have very different interpretations of the story. I could look at a painting with you, and we might see two very different things, and feel very different emotional responses.
I’ve noticed that fictional representations of sex (fanfiction, erotic novels, pornographic films, etc.) tend to follow established patterns. Foreplay -> oral sex -> penetrative sex of some kind -> orgasm -> afterglow/cuddling/talking/leaving. Sometimes they’ll leave out the penetrative sex and it’ll just be handjobs or frottage, or scissoring, or just oral sex. But they almost always end in both people achieving orgasm. And that’s all well and good, but not all sexual encounters follow that order.
We seem to believe that orgasms are necessary in all sexual scenarios. Just look at some of the euphemisms we have for orgasms: climax, arrival, coming, getting off. They all imply an end, a completion. You start with the foreplay and you end at the orgasm.
Why does sex have to end at the orgasm? Why does there have to be a finite beginning and a finite end to a sexual encounter? Can’t a sexual encounter begin and end whenever we want it to?
From what I understand, orgasms are really nice. But that’s not all sex is about. Take it from somebody who’s never had a “mindblowing orgasm” that sex can be absolutely fantastic and wonderful and mindblowing without the “climax.”
Sex is like travelling. The destination’s all well and good, but how you get there can be the worthier part.
I challenge writers and porn directors to create fictional sexual situations without focusing on the orgasm. Show me the slow build. Show me that the characters are connecting, are getting something emotional and uplifting from the journey.
And if you ever encounter a person unable to achieve orgasm, don’t treat them like they’re broken. Don’t assume that lack of orgasm means they’re not enjoying the encounter. Don’t try to “fix” them. If they tell you they’re having a good time, believe them. Do what they like in bed, and let them do to you what you like. Talk during sex, communicate with your partner and partners.
Don’t save the conversation for the “afterglow.” Communication during sex is AWESOME. It’s okay if it feels a little awkward. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has felt awkward. We believe the lie of porn that tells us there’s rules for sex, and we need to follow the established patterns or we’re doing it wrong. Most of us, in our lives, learn about sex before we have it from fiction. Books or movies or fanfiction or porn. We see established “rules” and we think we need to follow them.
We don’t. Don’t let the media dictate how you have sex. Have sex as much or as little as you want to. Have as many or as few partners as you want, so long as all are consenting.
Remember, everyone experiences things differently. Talk to your partners, make sure you and them are enjoying yourselves.
I don’t think sex needs a “destination” at all. As long as you enjoy the journey, you should do fine.
Can I get an amen?
If he has a penis he might need to go to a doctor to get checked out because it could be a physiological problem. Besides that just communicating and having him tell you what feels best and trying new things might help. Just experiment and don’t focus on the orgasm but rather being together and the pleasure from sex.
I totally understand! It is difficult for me to orgasm because of the medication I’m on, and although g-spot stimulation can be pleasurable for me I’m rarely able to orgasm through it and I don’t orgasm through penetration alone. These are actually pretty common issues.
It’s actually a lot more common than one would think. Of course you can continue experimenting with your body and try out different techniques, toys, and combinations of stimulation. The main thing is to enjoy yourself and not focus on orgasm. If you still can’t orgasm, you can talk to your doctor about it and there are treatments for it.
It is possible to not be able to orgasm (it’s called anorgasmia) but I wouldn’t really categorize it as a disability. Many people with anorgasmia live fulfilling lives sexually. As I always say, sex isn’t just about orgasms, it’s about pleasure and connecting to yourself or another person.
Anorgasmia can be really frustrating, but as I tell everyone who has trouble orgasming is that the main part of sexual acts is that connection with either yourself or the other person and the pleasure you feel. Orgasm isn’t the most important part. Of course, you can continue experimenting with different techniques of clitoral and g-spot (as well as other erogenous zones) stimulation and just see what happens. Definitely don’t get caught up in the thought of orgasm though.
Definition: Anorgasmia is an inability to reach orgasm and is thought to occur in about 10% of women. Anorgasmia may be either primary (the woman has never been able to reach an orgasm by any means) or secondary (an orgasm was experienced at some point in the past). It may also be global (orgasm is not experienced by any means) or situational (orgasm may be experienced in certain sexual situations but not others; for example, with manual stimulation but not with intercourse).
Given the overwhelmingly positive response i’ve had to my series on vulval pain, it’s becoming very obvious to me that what we’re being told about sexuality and gynaecology—what should happen, how it should happen, what’s normal, how stuff works, who does what, what’s wrong, what’s right, etc….