If you have any questions, feel free to ask on my ask site: http://fyseq.tumblr.com/ask, though check out http://fuckyeahsexeducation.tumblr.com/FAQ!
anon 1: hello, i have a problem when i make love, when my bf penetrate my vagina it hurt deep down (inside the body) even when i’m very horny, i tried a lot of position but i get no pleasure. It just feel like a stomach ache. Why i am like this ?
It’s probably your cervix. It…
And yet not even a link to more information about vaginismus, just a general “go to your doctor.” if everything fails. Fantastic, if only doctors knew what the fuck they were talking about and patients didn’t need to be more knowledgeable than their doctors on the subject to receive treatment in the first place.
Sorry, just being bitter because I fucking hate how little information there is about diagnosable vaginal sexual dysfunctions.
Good point, I should put a link to all of my posts on various sex conditions like vaginismus at the bottom.
SP: What’s the biggest trend you’re seeing when we’re talking about coming out?
The biggest trend that PFLAG is seeing though through our 350+ chapters across the country is more parents coming to PFLAG because their young child is trans, or is displaying or exhibiting behaviors that are considered gender non-conforming.
In fact, this is largest growth factor across our entire chapter network from our very urban areas like NYC, DC, LA and our more rural communities like Ames, and Omaha and Tampa.
And more adult people who are transgender are finding PFLAG as a place to build community and to build family.
SP: How is coming out different for a trans person than a gay or lesbian one?
Coming out as trans might feel like it was for us 25+ years ago. Very foreign and very scary, with few reference points as role models.
I even hear this within the LGBQ community that they have few if any personal contact with people who are trans.
I was just at the White House recently and saw Laverne Cox, who is a great role model for many people who are trans. Every time I see her, I thank her for putting herself out there as a role model for younger people.
SP: Speaking of people being younger to come out, what’s your advice on whether they should use social media services like Facebook, Twitter, etc.?
Coming out through social media undoubtedly feels “safer” to a young person who is finally able to express who s/he really is. But there are so many dangers in doing so that we advise young people to think through the potential consequences of sharing themselves in such a public way.
Social media is a great way to communicate, and we can use it to share very personal aspects of our lives. I have lots of nieces and nephews and I live far from them but I get to read about and see photos of their expanding families. Still, we advise much caution in coming out through social media given the reality of cyber bullying.
Today, people are coming out as LGBTQ at a much younger age. The context for their coming is very different, thanks to the many good changes that have been occurring.
However, the sad reality is that for every positive story we hear through PFLAG of a child’s coming to their family, we also hear the stories of rejection, the stories of bullying at school.
Young people are still running away from home, or worse, kicked out of their homes by their families, because they are trying to live honestly and authentically as LGBTQ.
So yes, it’s definitely easier than it was for you and for me, but there is still so much more work to be done to truly create a world where young people can be all that they are, and be loved and accepted and celebrated for who they are.
Every sex worker on Tumblr. Repeatedly. Constantly. Daily.
It is a *privilege* to not know who Gail Dines is and to read something she wrote that was actually not virulently hateful towards sex workers or trans women and was maybe on point for once and so to reblog it to all of the sex workers and trans women who follow you.
Spread this post around so people KNOW NOT TO DO THAT SHIT. If Gail Dines has said something correct, I guarantee you a million other women have said it better. So find a better quote and stop it with Dines.
Painful Vaginal Sex Masterpost
anon 1: hello, i have a problem when i make love, when my bf penetrate my vagina it hurt deep down (inside the body) even when i’m very horny, i tried a lot of position but i get no pleasure. It just feel like a stomach ache. Why i am like this ?
It’s probably your cervix. It is pretty common if you’re having sex with someone who has a longer penis, or if you have a low cervix, or if you’re using a position that offers deeper entry. What’ll keep your partner from from bumping your cervix is using positions that don’t have them going as deep. You might have to experiment to find out what works best for you, but certain positions to keep away from are things like you being on top (unless you have enough body strength to be able to control how deep the penis goes) or missionary with your legs over their shoulders. Sex in the spooning position is pretty good for shallow sex. Doggy style can offer either deep entry or shallow entry depending on the angle of your hips. Another thing that may be causing this is you’re not aroused enough. Remember when you’re aroused your vagina lengthens. It may be that you need more foreplay, clitoral/penile stimulation, or stimulation of other erogenous zones.
Really, you need to communicate with your partner, tell them when too far is too far so that they’ll know not to go any deeper. Tell them if you need more foreplay. They won’t know you’re in pain unless you tell them. After you figure out your limits for different positions you’ll be fine.
For a list of positions for people with larger penises, Sexinfo101 has a good resource although it is gendered.
anon 2: i have a vagina and penetration just doesn’t feel so good. (i can only put one finger in before it hurts, and its not just the hymen that’s interfering, i can tell) Is it possible something is wrong with my body or is that common for some people? Butt stuff is wayyy better for me
FYSE: For step by step masturbation techniques visit My Masturbation Guide. This may help. Some people do prefer butt play to vaginal though and that’s fine!
anon 3: hii! i’m not a virgin anymore but it still hurts when penetration begins, I’m also I’m worried becase during sex i get to a point were (i know it’s not an orgasm) i feel a lot of pleasure, but then I find my self uncomfotarble very very uncomfotarble and want to sudenly end it all. I dont know what it is or what is happening and I want to solve it, please help.
FYSE: This is a really common occurrence after orgasm, where people don’t want to be stimulated or sometimes even touched at all. Communicate with your partner that you need to stop.
anon 4: Dfab. I thought I was aroused enough when I first tried vaginal penetration with a dmab parter, but it hurt and didn’t feel good at all.
anon 5: hey i have a lot of pain during PiV sex and i finally went to the gyno and i mentioned it. she said everything was fine and that it just must be that i don’t have sex often enough. is that like… accurate? i mean, the last person i had sex with was fairly large and i’m not a particularly tall person, so could that have been it or should i ask to have another exam?
FYSE: This is so inaccurate, stay tuned for tips.
anon 6: Is it normal to feel a bit of pain after penetration? It’s not my first time, but everytime I have vaginal sex, I get this pain (like someone pinching me ) during the initial penetration and nothing after that, even if he takes it out and puts it back in. There’s no blood and it’s not terrible pain and he always waits till I’ve very turned on and wet down there and that I’m relaxed before penetrating but it still hurts a bit.
anon 7: I’m 16 and I have trouble getting, like, wet enough so having sex is sometimes really painful, what can I do?
anon 8: My girlfriend just fingered me and now around my vagina hurts really bad. Is this normal?
FYSE: I have a step by step guide Using your hands to please your partner that may help with this.
anon 9: Why does my vagina hurt after sex? I don’t have penetrative sex, mostly fingering and oral. It feels good during but about a minute after I finish my vagina hurts so much.
FYSE: Okay, to anyone that has pain during any kind of vaginal stimulation here’s what to do.
Usually pain or blood with any sort of entry to the vagina is caused by the vagina not being aroused enough. Lube can definitely make it easier. Also, you need to be sure to use a lot of foreplay. Whenever you’re fully aroused your vagina usually loosens, lengthens, and starts producing it’s own lubrication. Be sure to be in a really sensual environment, some place where you aren’t rushed and some place you’re comfortable. You can start with your partner giving you a full body massage, being sure to touch your erogenous zones. They can also kiss you all over. Or if you’re alone you can watch porn, touch your erogenous zones or whatever else turns you on.
The first thing you need to look at when there is pain during vaginal entry is technique. A lot of time in conversation and porn foreplay is rushed or non existent. This does not mean you can skip foreplay. You see, the most important part of pain free sex is arousal. Foreplay can increase arousal for many people. Whenever a person gets aroused their body gets ready for sex. For those with a vagina, this means the genitals get engorged with blood and the vagina loosens, lengthens and lubricates. Without proper arousal and foreplay this can mean the vagina is tight, short and unlubricated which can cause pain to both parties. It’s important to stimulate erogenous zones, share fantasies, share porn, and try things that increase arousal, and then start working the vulva. Be sure to be in a really sensual environment, some place where you aren’t rushed and some place you’re comfortable. Nervousness and fear can make your vaginal muscles tense up which makes sex uncomfortable. Talk about any fears and insecurities before hand so you can feel comfortable and relaxed. You can start with giving each other full body massage, being sure to touch erogenous zones. kiss each other all over.
The main part of foreplay is identifying erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are places on your body that are sensitive and when touched arouse you. Common erogenous zones are the lips, scalp, ears, neck, shoulders, fingertips, chest/nipples, belly, thighs, feet, buttox and genitals. It’s up to you and/or a partner to identify what those erogenous zones are and to stimulate them throughout your sexual experiences but especially at the beginning.
Of course, a lot of people start sexual activity with kissing lips. From there you can start kissing or caressing other erogenous zones. Some people also find biting and sucking those erogenous zones to be erotic and make good foreplay. Take your time and really enjoy it, especially if you have problems getting or staying aroused or if you have any pain with vaginal or anal entry. You can give each other full body massages or kiss and lick every part of the body but the genitals. You can tease by spending extra time on the part of the body above the knee and below the waist that isn’t the genitals.
Then you need to prepare your vagina. You can do this either with oral sex, with toys, by grinding your genitals against something, or with fingers. Experiment with clitoral stimulation, as well as stimulation around the vaginal opening. You can also stimulate the labia and other erogenous zones not on your genitals.
A good way to start Cunnilingus is with the rest of the body. Don’t just go right to oral sex, take a while to get there and truly enjoy it. Seriously, the best way to make your partner feel pleasure receiving oral sex is if you feel pleasure giving it. This is true for a lot of sex acts. It’s a good idea to kiss down the body, neck, chest, stomach, and thighs being some of the most common erogenous zones that do good with some attention. You can also start with a gentle caressing massage. Slow down and really enjoy touching and kissing your partner. Once you get down to the thighs lick and kiss around the pubic area without really touching it. The area where the thighs connect to the pubic area can be very sensitive. Do this for a little bit, until you can tell your partner’s getting responsive. Then you can start paying attention to the pubic area. You can either gently stroke the slit with your finger or tongue to further tease or you can gently open the labias so you can see the vulva.
If you use dental dams (which are a very good idea even if you and your partner have been tested recently and are completely monogamous) it can take a little getting used to giving oral sex with a barrier. The main thing is to make sure that you’re applying the right amount of pressure that can be felt through the dental dam. If you aren’t using dental dams, it can be pretty sexy if you take a little taste and give a compliment about how great the taste is. It’s good to start out licking the clitoris. There are a few different techniques you can use, light flicking of the tongue, swirling the tongue around the clitoris, licking, and sucking. It’s probably better to start off with lighter attention. Going too strong too fast can make the clitoris sore and can tire you out quicker. Once you’ve stimulated the clitoris you can lick down to the vagina. Make sure they’re ready for vaginal stimulation. If they aren’t, you can ignore this part and just stick to pleasuring the clitoris. Some people don’t like clitoral stimulation or it hurts. If this is true for your partner focus on the rest of the vulva and avoid direct clitoral stimulation. Be sure to stimulate other erogenous zones with your mouth or hands as well.
If your partner is ready for vaginal stimulation, you can stick your tongue in, gently at first. This helps loosen up the vagina and also can tell you if the vagina’s gotten looser and wetter which is a good sign of arousal. Other ways of gauging arousal is the vulva. The clitoris becomes erect and the whole vulva can become flooded with blood and appear fuller. You can try some more stimulation of the vagina either with your tongue or your fingers. Be sure to as you’re doing this to continue stimulating the clitoris or other erogenous zones. If you use your tongue to stimulate the vagina, lick up and towards you. You can also swirl your tongue around or simulate intercourse. With your finger it’s good to crook it upwards and stimulate the upper wall of the vagina. This is where the g-spot is located and this can be very pleasurable.
After stimulating the clitoris, other erogenous zones, and/or the vagina for a while you can start using more pressure on the clitoris if your partner likes it. You can use your hand to pull back the hood of the clitoris. This makes that area much more sensitive. Start with light strokes with your tongue, and then you can go into harder pressure. It can be really erotic to moan or hum when stimulating the clitoris because of the vibrations it causes. If your partner doesn’t like clitoral stimulation continue with vaginal and vulval. Don’t be afraid to use your hands, especially if your jaw gets tired.
If your partner is into anal stimulation you can also go into that, just remember to use lubrication and to keep paying attention to the genitals. Of course, everyone is different. You need to be paying attention to what garners the most response. This could be muscle twitches, writhing, moaning, or putting a hand on your head (beware, this could also mean you’re using too much pressure and they want you to let up! It might be a good idea to discuss this beforehand) Also, encourage them to talk to you and tell you what feels good. You can also ask them “Do you like that?” “Do you want me to do this?” Communication is the most important thing. Some people like more clitoral stimulation, some like more g-spot stimulation. Depending on what gets them the most aroused, you need to spend the most time on that spot. Vary up your techniques, and when you find something that really makes them responsive use it! Be sure to vary up using your hand and your mouth. This gives your mouth a break and also frees it up to kiss around the thighs. As you continue be sure to keep a smooth pressure going. Don’t just stop suddenly or decrease quite suddenly as that can make it more difficult to reach orgasm. Listen and respond to your partner. It might take a while but don’t get discouraged. Also, sometimes orgasm just doesn’t happen and they might ask you to stop because they’re getting sore. That’s okay, they still felt pleasure! It isn’t all about orgasm.
For using hands
Using your hands to pleasure your partner is one of the most common sex acts out there. After you’ve gotten some foreplay in, and you’ve gotten the go-ahead to touch your partner’s genitalia you have to decide what to do next. It can be really sexy to gently stimulate their genitalia through their underwear/pants if they’re wearing any. When dealing with a vulva, just run your finger between their outer labia gently. When dealing with a penis you can gently cup their penis, massaging the head with your palm or rubbing your hands and fingers along the shaft.
Once you tease them with this a little you can either stick your hand under their underwear or take the underwear off. With a vulva the main pleasure center is usually the clitoris. The clitoris is located near the front of the body at the top of the inner labia. Clitorises come in all different sizes, so it might be difficult to feel at first. You can also gauge a bit how turned on your partner is by how wet their vulva is. You can tease along the labia, and also touch their thighs and the part of the skin where their thighs meet their pubic area. To stimulate the clitoris at first you might want to use light teasing strokes, or circle the clitoris with your finger. You might want to explore the vulva, you can pull the hood of the clitoris back by running your finger upwards towards the rest of your partner’s body. You can stimulate the clitoris a bit with the hood pulled back, but that can make the clitoris really sensitive and sometimes that can be too much too fast. Some people aren’t turned on by clitoral stimulation, or their clitoris may hurt. at that point stimulate the rest of the vulva, like the labia or around the clitoris and vagina. Be sure to use your partner’s vaginal lubrication to make sure that any stimulation is lubricated. If they aren’t producing enough lubrication you might want to use lube, water based is most like natural lubrication so it might be the best to use.
When it comes to stimulating the penis, the most important part is the head, especially if the foreskin is intact. When dealing with the circumcised penis you can tease the head with your finger, rub it with your palm, and stimulate right under the head. With an uncircumcised penis you can play with the foreskin, gently rubbing it back and forth with your hand or rubbing it together. Just experiment and have fun. It’s also good to stimulate the underside of the penis. You can gently rub your fingers up and down the shaft. The reason why teasing is good at first is because it gets the penis fully hard, it’s incredibly arousing, and pre-ejaculate might be produced, which makes it easier to lubricate the penis. You might need a little bit of lube when you go into more vigorous stimulation. Be sure to also explore and stimulate the testicles, thighs, and the skin where thighs meets pubic area. It’s good to stimulate the testicles while slowly jerking your partner off with your hand completely encircling the penis. Be sure to occasionally run your thumb over the head of the penis. As your partner becomes more aroused you can apply more pressure and speed. Be sure to continue using foreplay methods.
As your partner gets more turned on you can attempt penetration. I’ll first describe vaginal penetration then anal. First slide one finger into the vagina. Make sure your nails have been trimmed and aren’t sharp. There shouldn’t be much resistance and the vagina should be pretty lubricated. If not, you might want to stimulate the clitoris and do more foreplay, touch other erogenous zones, and make out. Once you’re able to penetrate the vagina fairly easily, crook your finger towards you in a come-hither-motion, stimulating the top of the vaginal walls with it. There approximately is the g-spot. You can continue to stimulate the clitoris as you do this, either with your other hand, your palm, or your mouth or you can have your partner stimulate it. Once you’re sure the vagina is aroused and loose enough you can stick another finger in and do the same. Continue to stimulate the clitoris, other erogenous zones and the g-spot. You can experiment with speed and pressure for both areas of stimulation. Anal penetration is much the same, only you’ll definitely need to use lube. Also, if your partner has a prostate be sure to stimulate it. It is about two inches inside the anus and is about the size of a chestnut. If your partner has both an anus and a vagina you can stimulate both, either by stimulating the clitoris with your mouth and using both hands or by inserting some fingers into the vagina and some into the anus. Be sure to never put any fingers or hands from anus to vagina. Also, stimulating the area in between genitals and anus can be very arousing as well.
At this point if you’d like to attempt fisting you can. To do this you continue to insert fingers. Be sure to go slow, make sure there’s enough lubrication and you stretch the orifice out sufficiently with each new addition. Be sure to thoroughly penetrate to the knuckle. When you get the fourth finger in you might need to stop for a bit to stretch and continue stimulation. It might take a few sessions to work getting farther than this and that’s fine. DON’T rush. Once your partner is able to get past this stage, while you keep your fingers together and make your hand as small as you can to gently slide your thumb and the rest of your hand to the knuckles in. Your hand should kind of be in a wedge shape. Once your hand is in make sure to wait a bit to let your partner get used to the penetration. Always listen to your partner and be aware of how tight the vagina is. Go really slow and don’t press on too quickly. Be sure to continue stimulating their clitoris/penis or other erogenous zones. It might take a while to be able to get past your knuckles. Be sure to not go to fast. Once your hand is fully in you can roll your hand into a fist. Then you can continue stimulating the clitoris/penis and gently moving your fist.
Of course every partner is different. Be sure to keep the line of communication open and encourage them to tell you what does and doesn’t feel good. Some people don’t like their clitoris stimulated, some people don’t like vaginal or anal stimulation, some don’t like their testicles stimulated. Be sure to listen to them. Also, safer sex methods of any kind of stimulation using hands involves gloves. This is especially important when penetration is involved or if your partner might have herpes.
Sometimes you don’t want vaginal, anal, or oral sex but you don’t just want to use your hands. What other option is there? There is rubbing genitals against other body parts. This can be something as simple as grinding or “dry humping”. This can be accomplished by rubbing your bodies together either fully clothed or partially clothed or naked. The main thing is to do what feels good. You’re basically simulating intercourse without any kind of actual penetration. Whenever this is done naked it is referred to as frottage. Whenever this is done naked using two “vaginas” this is referred to as tribadism or scissoring. There are many different positions that can accomplish this. The missionary position has one on top of the other, the student’s position has the legs positioned so the clitoris is grinding against the upper thigh, the open scissors position has both partners with their legs spread and their vulvas flush against each other, closed scissors has one person on top of the other in a scissoring position controlling the movement so that the legs are more closed, you can also ride each other. Frotting refers to when two “penises” are rubbed together. This can be grinding naked or both penises together being masturbated my one hand.
Other kinds of frottage are non mutual. This means that it’s one person grinding their genitalia against another body part. The most common would probably be mammary intercourse. The easiest position to do this is with the person receiving the stimulation on their back and the person using their chest on top. You can go from oral sex to mammary intercourse. This will ensure that the genitals are wet. Some people need to use lube. Water based is the most natural feeling but sometimes you might need to reapply. Silicone lasts a longer time and isn’t as oily feeling as oil based lubes. Of course don’t use oil based around a vulva. Just apply a little bit of lube to the penis and to your cleavage. Then you can grasp your breasts around the penis. Your partner may need to help to keep them together as it can be difficult to keep rhythm and hold them together at the same time. This can be especially difficult to do with smaller breasts. It may help to have your partner standing, as you have more control on your knees than lying down. Also having them sitting could be beneficial as well. Just move your breasts up and down. If the penis is long enough you can lick or stimulate the tip at the same time. If you’re stimulating a vulva you can either have them grind against your breasts while you’re laying down or you can rub your breasts against their vulva while they’re laying down.
Another common form of non-mutual frottage is grinding against the thigh this is called Intercrural Intercourse. If your partner has a “penis” you can close your thighs and have them insert their penis in between your thighs, much like how you have mammary intercourse. This can be done either from the front or back.
You can also practice frottage while rubbing genitals against the buttox. With a penis they can insert their penis between your cheeks and grind like that or mime intercourse. With a vulva just grinding the vulva against the buttox can work.
Less common frottage includes auxiliary sex. This is grinding against the arm pit or inserting penis between the armpit and arm. There is also feet sex, which can take some practice. Again, with a penis you might need some lubrication. You can tease with one foot, rubbing it up and down the shaft and on the head, and if you can move your toes well gripping it with your toes. You can also use both feet and have the penis in the arch of your feet, moving up and down. Make sure your feet are clean so there isn’t any mess. You can also stimulate the clitoris and vulva with a foot or two (again make sure your feet are clean so as to prevent infection.) just as you would with your hand. Some people also like to be penetrated with toes or feet either vaginally or anally. Make sure your nails are clipped. Go gently, just like if you were practicing fisting. Always talk about boundaries first. If they just want a toe in that’s it. If it starts to hurt stop.
Really, you can stimulate genitals with many different body parts; elbows, knees, backs, just use your imagination and due what feels good. Always use a condom in a penis is going to be anywhere near the vulva or to lessen your chances of passing HPV or herpes or to take care of any mess. Anything involving things being rubbed against a vulva you can use dental dams and dental dam harnesses. Don’t use condoms and dental dams together. When inserting anything into the vagina or anus use an internal condom. It’s also a good idea to use lube with any of these positions, remember oil based cannot be used with condoms/dental dams, or vaginas.
Getting Ready for sex
Once you feel ready, and use lube if needed, you can try entry with the fingers. After you’ve stimulated the vagina with fingers or toys and make sure it’s stretched you can try intercourse if you wish. Some people don’t produce enough vaginal lubrication, if so use some lube. Everyone’s arousal is different, some don’t like their clitoris touched, others do. Communication is key.
Try stimulating the vulva first, including the labia. Slowly start circling around the vagina or anus itself. You can slowly begin to push in as you stimulate whatever erogenous zone most arouses your partner. Communicate! If something hurts let them know. If something feels really good let them know. If it’s not working for you try something else. Some people need one orgasm before entry can be attempted. Experiment, both with a partner and through masturbation. You can also spend a lot of time stimulating erogenous zones not located in the genitals, like the buttox, chest, belly, neck, or literally any other body part!
You may find that the vagina isn’t producing enough lubrication. This is common and in this case lube should be used, although lube can help and be pleasurable even when there is a lot of vaginal lubrication. Water based is the most like your natural vaginal lubrication, though silicone based lasts longer. DON’T use silicone based lube with a silicone toy. Never use oil based near a vagina or with a latex condom.
After a while you should be able to insert one finger into the vagina. As you continue stimulating other parts, stimulate the g-spot. Your g-spot is located approximately two inches in the vagina along the front wall. The best way to stimulate it is to stroke it with fingers in a “come hither” motion crooked to stroke from the back of your vagina towards the vaginal opening. Do this while stimulating other parts until the vagina loosens enough to get a second and possibly third finger in. Continue to stimulate the g-spot Go slow and reapply lube as needed! Some people need to orgasm through other stimulation before vaginal stimulation can be used.
Once you can feel the vagina loosen and you can’t readily feel the cervix with your fingers you can try more entry. If the partner entering the vagina has a larger penis or if the vagina doesn’t feel loose enough you may want to use a toy that can be inserted into the vagina a little smaller than the penis. Then slowly enter the vagina, making sure that no pain occurs. If there is pain, stop. Reapply lube and do some more foreplay. Try another position. Deeper entry can be painful as the cervix is rubbed, or someone may have a low cervix, so you may want to try shallower thrusts or a position where the person being entered is more in control or a position that offers shallower entry. Don’t worry if the cervix is rubbed and it’s not painful or it’s pleasurable and you want it to continue. Just make sure to wear a condom as rubbing the cervix increases risk of irritation and infection. The main thing is communication. Talk to each other about what is and is not working. You may need to go slow and slowly stretch out the vagina over the course of a couple of days. You can use a smaller toy and stimulate each other with other forms of sex until intercourse isn’t so painful. With proper stretching and practice major forms of entry can be possible, like larger penises, toys or fisting.
Other things to check out for is if you’re using a spermicide, condoms or lube. Some people can be allergic to spermicide or some types of lube, especially if they contain parabens or glycerin. You may want to switch lube types or condoms to unlubricated. Another problem with condoms are latex allergy, so if it continues use latex free condoms instead.
If you’re sore after or you get sore during another problem may be rough sex. It’s very common to have irritation or bruising after vigorous sex. You may need to slow down. Get to know your limits! Using lots of lube can also help with this as more lubrication leads to less friction and less damaged skin.
Q: Is it possible to be allergic to semen/sperm?
A: It is possible for anyone to be allergic to semen/sperm. The only way to test is to go to an allergist, but that can be expensive. If you think you have an allergy, try wearing condoms and see if the reaction goes away. If it does, then use condoms. If you have a reaction to the condoms try latex free ones or ones that aren’t lubricated. Some people are allergic to latex, and some are sensitive to the ingredients found in lubrication on condoms. Some people are even allergic to polyurethane condoms, if you are try polyisoprene condoms, If you need lubrication try getting lube that’s glycerin and paraben free. If it’s your own sperm or liquids you think you’re allergic, there are treatments that doctors can give you. symptoms flu-like, aches, feverishness, a runny nose, & fatigue. They usually occur soon after ejaculation and can last anywhere from half an hour to a couple of days. The most common treatment is hyposensitisation therapy where you are injected with gradually increasing concentrations of your own semen until your body stops reacting so severely to ejaculation.
For more information Edinburghsexpression has a good post
Q: while masturbating or during sex I get to a plateau where it is too much to stimulate my clitoris. How do I get past that?
A: Non direct stimulation. It can help to stimulate through underwear or clothing. It can also be better to stimulate around the clitoris instead of directly on it. Stimulate the labia, around the vagina or in the vagina, other parts of your genitals, around or in the anus, or other erogenous zones. Also try different pressures, a lighter touch or a more firm touch may be easier to use around or on the clitoris. It varies from person to person. It may be a good idea to try a little cool down period and not stimulate the genitals, though do other things that arouse you so you will continue to be aroused. If it continues to be too sensitive, just listen to your body and stop. It could be you already orgasmed without realizing it. Remember not all orgasms are fireworks and curled toes, some are barely noticeable with the only indication is that your clitoris becomes too sensitive to touch.
Q: my partner’s penis is rather large, how do I make sure sex wont hurt?
A: First, same as with any sexual encounter. Lots of foreplay, clitoral/penile stimulation, prepare the vagina/anus with fingers first, and use lube if needed. Before you attempt sex, your vagina/anus should be properly loosened, lubricated and with the vagina it should lengthen. Arousal and preparation makes this happen. It may be necessary to orgasm once first before sex. Using condoms can also reduce friction that could be painful. Remember, even if you feel like you’re producing enough vaginal lubrication, use lube if it hurts. It’s amazing how much lube works. You may want to get a toy that’s a little smaller than your partner so you can use that to help prepare you. Your partner may not fit all the way in. Keep in mind that bumping the cervix can be painful so talk to your partner and tell them if it’s painful and if they need to try more shallow thrusts. Remember, the vagina and anus don’t get looser permanently after sex so you’ll have to do this every time. Some people choose to get a toy close to their partner’s size so that they can use it the night before so their vagina/anus may be a little more prepared for it.
Be patient, go slow, and communicate and everything should be fine.
If you’re still having pain after doing all this, you may want to talk to a doctor.
For those interested in learning the conditions that can cause painful sex:
- Genital Conditions:
- Anxiety Disorders
- Misc mental conditions
If you have a condition that causes painful sex or other problems, let me know so I can add it to my to-do list!
Anon 2: The ‘Sex’ in ‘Biological Sex’ is not a social construct. It refers to the fact that we are either XX or XY and were born with genitalia that comes from that chromosome pairing. How we *identify/label* that sex, be it masculine/male or feminine/female, is the social construct because the identification/label is often used interchangeably with gender. This is why medical institutions prefer to know your Biological Sex instead of your Gender. XX and XY have different general health risks.
Sex is determined by doctors based on your genitals. If you have something close enough to what they believe males should have you’re called a male. If you have something close enough to what they believe females should have you’re called a female. Because genitals are diverse
not all genitals are what we stereotypically think of male or female. Some people have medical issues or have medical exams that reveal that their chromosomes, hormones, or internal sex organs don’t match what is usually thought of as male or female.
We made up these categories and thought that male always equals penis, testicles, testosterone, XY and female always equals vagina, vulva, uterus, ovaries, clitoris, estrogen, XX but that’s not true. People have a combination of genitals, sex organs, chromosomes and hormones and we need multiple tests to figure out who exactly has what. Because most people don’t get these tests done unless something medically happens that they need the test done we don’t know how many people have these variances. It is a social construct that says that people born with penises are men and people born with vulvas and vaginas are women. Although it’s true that many people born with penises many times have specific medical needs that differ from people born with vaginas and vice versa it’s not necessary for medical reasons. When you see a doctor they ask you many different questions including medical history. Designated sex alone is not enough to know any and all medical problems that could occur. In fact the assumption that all those born with certain genitals have certain medical needs can cause many health problems because of hormonal differences and chromosomal differences.
So yeah no, sex is a social construct too.
Four Things You (Probably) Didn’t Know About Gender and Pronouns
by Cara Giaimo
Language plays a huge part in how we understand and describe the world around us, and how we communicate that understanding to others. Because of this, it can be easy to forget that the dictionary isn’t some infallible, unchangeable document handed down from on high— but it isn’t! Words are actually tools created by humans to help with those aforementioned jobs. The version of the English language that most of us grew up using has pronouns that refer to two particular genders because it reflects a culture that has also, historically, only recognized those two genders. And as our cultural understanding of gender expands, our language expands too, in order to make room for it.
It can be easier to take all of this in—and to see gendered pronouns as culturally created—if you’re aware of their history. So, without further ado, here are Four Things You (Probably) Didn’t Know About Gender and Pronouns!
1. “Gender” was a grammatical term before it meant anything else. When you hear the word “gender,” the first thing that comes to mind is probably the cultural definition —put most simply, “the characteristics that a society delineates as masculine or feminine.” But the word wasn’t used that way regularly until the 1950s. Before that, it was actually a linguistic term. About one-fourth of the world’s languages—German, Spanish, and Icelandic, to name a few—have what’s called grammatical gender, which means their nouns are sorted into different categories called genders.
And although many of these gender categories fall along a masculine/feminine/neutral divide (as in, for example, Spanish), some don’t! Take Dyribal, an aboriginal Australian language with only a few dozen native speakers left. Dyirbal has four grammatical genders, which linguists refer to as male, female, edible, and inanimate, but even that is pretty approximate. For example, Class II, the “female” class, actually contains women, fire, things related to water, things related to fighting, and most birds.
2. English used to be a gendered language.
Gendered third-person pronouns in English are the vestiges of a language that used to be entirely gendered. According to linguist Anne Curzan, Old English indicated grammatical genders using suffixes (think “-o” vs. “-a” in Spanish). Old Norse did the same thing, but used slightly different suffixes than Old English. When the Vikings began invading Northern England around the late 11th century, speakers of both languages were running into each other a lot, and probably trying to communicate. Since the two languages had a lot of roots in common, in order to understand each other better, “people may have deemphasized these inflectional endings, which were already weak, and then maybe they just dropped away,” taking their grammatical gender signification with them. The only gendered words that stuck around? Those pesky third-person pronouns, which were too short to be affected.
3. Gender-neutral and nontraditional pronouns have their own rich and varied history.
English speakers of all stripes have long been frustrated with the language’s lack of gender-neutral pronouns. A look back at press records reveals public complaints from,newspaper copyeditors wrestling with inelegant phrasing, as well as police commissionerswho were unsure whether or not they could arrest women under a law that only used masculine pronouns. Feminists as far back as 1882 disliked the standard practice of using “he/him/his” as a fallback pronoun, and advocated for a gender-neutral word instead. Those who noticed these problems often provided alternatives. For example, in 1884, a lawyer named Charles Crozat Converse proposed the word “thon,” which was popular enough to make it into several dictionaries. Casey Miller and Kate Swift, who have writtenseveral groundbreaking works on gender-biased vocabulary, suggested “tey.” More recently, people who identify outside the gender binary have resurrected some of these terms for their own personal use, as well as coming up with others. Some of the most common include “ze,” “e,” and the singular “they,” but the sky’s the limit—here’s the most complete list I’ve found.
4. Using someone’s preferred pronouns really makes a difference.
If you think about it, a pronoun serves as a synopsized version of a person, and no one wants to be condensed down to the wrong essence. Respecting someone’s pronouns—by asking which ones that person prefers, using those consistently, and apologizing if you slip up—is a great way to show that you respect who that person is. As Lauren Luben recently shared in zir “Why Change Names and Pronouns?” video, “when someone uses a gender-neutral pronoun, I feel like they are identifying who I am as a being.” Another person I spoke to told me that “I could give you a precise list of every single genderstraight ally I’ve ever witnessed using my pronoun correctly—that’s how much it means to me.” Still others have said that being referred to correctly makes them “absolutely giddy with joy,” “so completely happy,” and “makes me suddenly want to hug them.”
Learning any new vocabulary word can be challenging, and incorporating it into your daily speech might take a little while. But in the end, it’s worth it, because knowing and using that word has broadened your understanding of the world, as well as your ability to describe and communicate that understanding. Non-traditional pronouns are no different!
Cara Giaimo is a Boston-based writer interested in words, gender, and the push-pull of identity construction. She also likes rock’n’roll and biking around. You can find more of her work at Autostraddle and Case Magazine.
Read more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.
a half-true game about half-truths
We can’t mention talking to parents without talking about Coming Out. This is a very interesting (and sad) game about one person’s experience coming out to his parents. He experiences being pressured to come out by a partner, homophobia, and violence, from his parents.
Sometimes you can’t talk to your parents about things, and sometimes talking to a parent results in horrible things happening to you. No one should feel pressured to talk to their parents, and no one should have to go through this. This is why it’s so important for us to teach parents, teach young people how to be parents, and to change our society and make sure our children are being cared for.
Anon response on talking to parents:
Try opening a conversation with her about why she personally doesn’t like tampons, whether it’s because she was uncomfortable, had pain, couldn’t insert, etc. If it’s more medical then suggest that you at least try them before writing them off completely, as you are different people and might not have the same internal make up that made them difficult for her. If it’s more personal then tell her that you’ll be very careful about removal, and suggest starting with smaller ones if it makes her more comfortable with the idea.
If she still doesn’t agree then you might just have to try them and explain that you’ve had no problems later or wait
Hope this helps :)
I get a lot of “how do I talk with my parents about X questions” Maybe I should post more about that.